Well… in flawlessly fitting fashion… I was reminded once again that no matter how hard we try to influence an outcome… our lack of control is the only aspect of life in here (and out there honestly) that remains undefeated. The cards are going to fall where they are going to fall and the only thing that we can do about it is play the best hand we can with what we got. If you read last weeks post… you know that I have been anxiously waiting… like a high school athlete hoping to make the team… for the RDAP list to be posted this week in order to find out if I “made it” this go around or if I will be waiting for a later date to begin the program. And the roller coaster of emotion ensues…
I tried as hard as I could not to think about it and just wait for the list and let what will be… be. But people talk… a lot… around here. And apparently… my participation in the program was at the forefront of many guys minds this week. They had opinions about me leaving the unit if I was to start the program… opinions about the lifestyle change once the program begins… opinions about how much I am not going to like living in a dorm… opinions about taking this program at this stage of “my bid”. Basically opinions about anything and everything related to my life because they felt some type of way about me no longer being a constant in their life. Which is nice in a way (I guess)… that they want me around. And also immensely annoying when you’re already anxiously waiting to find out what life will look like over the next 10 months and now have to listen to a bunch of noise from the peanut gallery every time you step into your unit. But… can’t control what others do or say so keep it movin’.
Wednesday rolls around and I start to hear the chatter… “You’re In… there is a list circulating that isn’t posted yet and your name is on it”… inmate dot com aka the rumor mill behind these walls begins to chirp. I can feel the excitement bubbling up inside… but I still want to see the list or at least speak with one of the doctors that work in the program to verify. I see the doc that I had my interview with outside psychology and figure… “What the hell… lets go find out.” I head over there. “Hey Doc… I don’t mean to pry or bother you but I heard that I may be on the list for this next RDAP class and I just wanted to verify so that I can get my affairs in order with work and all before I start”… I say. “Horwitz… yes… I believe you are starting next week and the plan is to move you guys over on Tuesday”… she says. I immediately feel an immense sense of excitement… relief… joy and purpose fill my body. I walk away feeling ready… ready for the next phase of this journey… ready to dive into whatever the program has to offer… ready for a daily “program shift” in here… ready to move to a new unit… ready to be around new guys… just very (very) ready to step into the next part of ‘my bid’.
I killed my workout that afternoon… you know those amazing workouts that only happen when you are in a great mood and feel like you have something you’re working toward… a goal that allows you to push that much harder… it was one of those days. Man… it felt amazing. I woke up Thursday… prepared to tackle the day and begin to get everything in order with my work schedule so that there are no hiccups next week when I start. Thursday afternoon is when I also have my weekly Mental Health Companion meeting so I head over to Psychology mid-day and join the group. As I’m walking across the north yard… I see one of my co-workers that is supposed to start RDAP next week as well… “What’s up man… you starting the program next week too?”… I ask him. “Well… my interview was supposed to be last Monday and the yard was locked down so I missed it… not sure what to do”… he says. “I think one of the docs is upstairs right now… go up there and see if you can bang out the interview real quick” I innocently tell him. He heads upstairs and just as I thought… was able to get the interview handled and join the program next week. Over the course of the next hour… as we are sitting at “Open house”… where we answer questions related to First Step Credits… psychology classes… RDAP….etc… a couple more guys approach us with the same issue of missing their RDAP interview and needing to meet with one of the docs. Upstairs they go…
As I am sure you can track by this point… things are about to take a turn for me. I’m standing at the grill at work on Friday and I hear my name being called from someone outside the window. I look out there and see one of the guys from my unit… the leader of the “I don’t want Zach to go to RDAP” clan… standing at the window yelling my name. “You’re not going. You’re not going yet. You’re not leaving me!” he yells with a huge smile on his face. My body immediately is filled with all of the opposite emotions that they were filled with on Wednesday. I am pissed. But again… I need to hear it from a reliable source. “Woooo-Saaaa” I tell myself and stomp out the door toward Psychology to get this figured out. As I am about 50 feet from Psych… the head doctor of the program steps out…. “Perfect!”. “Hey Doc. So… I’m hearing a rumor that I am not going to be in this class now for some reason and will be in the next round instead. Is this true?” “Hey Horwitz. So… I had a few additional guys come and interview mid this week that qualify for the program and all of their release dates are before yours so the program statement says they must take priority. I’m really sorry for the confusion but if someone drops out or it doesn’t work out for them… you will be in and I will let you know. If not… you will be in the next class”… she says. “A few additional guys come and interview…” I think to myself and laugh… wonder who facilitated those interviews… wow.
And just like that… I did not make the team this season. But… there is no point in focusing on the negative… right? Lets focus on the fact I will be in the next class (hopefully!) and that I learned something… ridiculously clear as day through this roller coaster of emotion. I learned that I am in serious need of a change to my daily life in here. I am craving something different… something new… some variation of the regular program and my focus now lies in figuring out what that change or those changes are… and implementing them. Because taking the reins in this regard is something I can control in this uncontrollable world that I call life these days.
There is always a lesson to be learned in disappointment because there is always an underlying reason why we feel disappointed in a given situation. And the goal is not to avoid this disappointment because we don’t like the feeling… it is to not allow that negative flood of emotions to de-rail the positives that we do have in our lives. Opportunities will come and go… relationships will work until they don’t… we will all “win some and lose some”… but as long as we never stop livin’ along the way… keeping our chins to the sun and eyes wide open to the world around us… it’ll all be okay. We just gotta trust the process.
So… here’s to me finding a new normal in here and here’s to you trusting the process… whatever that may mean in your life right now…
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Keep on drivin’… even when the road gets bumpy.