Here we are… we have entered year 3 of this journey of life behind a fence… this journey of life without life… what a journey it has been and will continue to be. There have been many emotions over the past week… some of which have been positive when I think about how myself and my “tribe” has survived the past 2 years and how we are still very much a tribe… in many ways stronger and healthier than we were prior to my time at T.I. How we are finding ways to genuinely live within the realities of our new circumstance and how we hold onto the fact that with every day we are living in this new reality… we are also stepping one day closer to being able to physically live together once again… and this time… truthfully… wholly and freely… actually live.
But I would be lying to myself (and to you) if I said that all of my emotions this week were ones of positivity and light as I begin my “Junior” year of this journey. In reality… I was completely overcome by remorse… by anger… by regret and by confusion most of this past week. I just cannot wrap my head around how I made the decisions and followed through with so many of the actions that led me to this point in my life. And much more importantly… how I made these decisions and actions that hurt so many people that I genuinely care about. I can picture their faces so vividly… it kills me. And I know there are many other individuals out there that were hurt by my actions that I don’t know… that I cannot picture… but are out there negatively impacted by something that I did. I try to wrap my head around the lies… so many lies… to my loved ones and family… to my friends… to my wife… to seemingly everyone… and mostly… to myself. How could I have done these things? How could someone who supposedly cares so deeply about others… who feels… physically feels the emotions of others… make these decisions that caused so much pain and hardship? When I lay my head down at night and try to think about the person that I am… genuinely and honestly… who I am… I believe that I am a good person. I believe that my intentions as it relates to how I walk through this life…. how I interact with others… how I want to be treated and in turn treat the people around me are good in nature. I believe that I want to bring out the best in people. I believe that I want to be the absolute best version of myself… to be proud of the person that I see in the mirror and for others to be proud to be associated with me. I believe that I want to be helpful and someone that others can rely on and trust. Let me say that again… I want to be someone that others can trust. But if that is true… how the fck did I make the decisions that I made? How the fck did I follow through with the actions that I did? It just doesn’t make sense to me… it doesn’t process in my brain. It is such a glaring disconnect between the human being that I believe that I am and the soul that I feel within me… and the horrendous decisions that I made. It has brought me to tears multiple times throughout the week because I am just so sorry for what I have done…
I am sickened by the fact that I have caused pain to people… that I have done something that not only was an initial bomb that detonated with mass causalities but one that has left so much wreckage to sift through in the aftermath. I am so incredibly sorry. And then I tell myself… “Okay… you are sorry. But these words mean nothing… what can you do?” What can I do? I picture myself sitting in a psychologist’s office and I know exactly what he or she would say. “Well Zach. There is nothing that any of us can do about the past. It is just that… in the past. The only thing that we can do is actively work to make better decisions today and tomorrow and never allow ourselves to revert back to our old decision making behaviors. We must learn tools that we can use from now on in order for our actions to mirror that image of ourselves that we believe we are and we want to present to the world.” “Okay… thanks Doc.” And yes… these are valid and true but they don’t fix the heartbreak… they don’t fix the fact that there are people out there dealing with trust issues because I broke their trust… they don’t fix the tears that have been shed… the friendships that have been broken… the marriages lost… the money spent in the wrong places… they don’t fix what I did. And that is a hard pill to swallow… for me and I am sure for everyone impacted by my actions because I have to believe that they too would like to wake up and this all be a nightmare. But it is reality and if there was a word in the English language that could describe an emotion a trillion time more powerful than the words remorseful and “I’m sorry”…. well… I will be forever feeling that word.
I think the reality is that there is no quick or long fix for what I have done. And as brutal as that is to accept… I think it is the overwhelming truth of the matter. I am paying for it on a daily basis but more severely… my loved ones… my boys… are currently paying for what I have done. I will continue to work every single day of this journey behind the gates and every single day of my life once I am back in the real world to be the human being that I believe that I am and that the people around me deserve for me to be. I will be honest and genuine in my words… my actions… my decisions. I will no longer take the easy road that is filled with temporary smiles and back pats when the hard road is the only road that will allow all of us to actually reach our destination. I will be the man that others can rely on and trust. I will be the person that shows up for the people that he loves. I will do the right thing because it is the right thing… independent of the outcome. And most of all… I will be the man that my boys will be proud to call their Dad.
I am so incredibly sorry for every single person that I have hurt. I will never fully forgive myself for what I have done and I wish nothing more than for you to find peace. And I hope somehow… someday… we can find a way to find peace together and make sense of it all because I think that is the only way to genuinely heal.
To all of you – I am deeply and will be forever sorry.