There are “coincidences” that take place in our lives that simply cannot be explained through the logical lens that we view this world. Some may say that these events are an act of a higher power… some may say that it is a loved one that moved on from this life and is now “speaking” to us from somewhere outside our understanding… some may say they are self fulfilling prophesies and some may say it is just pure coincidence. But whatever it is… when “it” happens… it really makes a guy stop and think.
This past Friday (well 2 Friday’s ago when you are reading this) would have been my 10 year wedding anniversary. Yeah… crazy. I have a tattoo on the inside of my right arm with the roman numerals X on one side of an image and XVIII on the other side… I just kept looking at it. Now… independent of the circumstances or any feelings one way or the other… I would be lying to myself if I pretended that this milestone… or more realistically missed milestone… didn’t quiet me a bit and force me to rewind the tape of the last 15 years of my (our) lives.
I thought about the beginning… I thought about college… I thought about Chicago… I thought about our dog… I thought about that road trip to LA… I thought about bringing our boys into this world and I tried so f*ckin hard to not think about all of the horrible decisions that I made but I couldn’t. When I think back on our relationship and my decisions… my actions… my lies… it honestly makes me want to vomit. I ask myself why I did what I did… I can see it all so clearly from where I stand today but why could I not see this when I was in it? Why did I have to cause so much pain… so much turmoil… so many tears… how could I be the person that I believe that I am and behave in such a selfishly immature way? It hurts to think about. So many of my past decisions and actions hurt to think about. But this pain is a necessary part of the learning process. Here’s the thing… it’s my learning process… hurting her should never have to be a part of any of “my processes”. But… it was and is… and that unsolvable reality really kills me. Another one of the aspects of my life that I don’t think I will ever fully be able to forgive myself for…
I spent the weekend thinking about all of the above… all the good… all the bad… all the abundance of life that happened in the past 15+ years and then the week begins and the memory train starts to pull away. Until Tuesday…
I am sitting in the TV room watching the never ending cycle of election ads and “updates” on seemingly every channel with one of the “homeboys” and I innocently ask him… “Well man… what do you think is going to happen?” We spend about 10 minutes talking about the election… about the candidates and what we believe the outcome will be. Then he begins to tell me about a book that he read a few years ago that made some “predictions” about the future that seem to be coming to fruition as we speak. Predictions about the state of the country… the state of national security… climate change… space travel… and other topics. He told me that it was the only thing that he brought with him when he self-surrendered because he likes to re-visit it from time to time. Sounded interesting enough to me so I asked him if I could read it at some point and we moved on.
I get into my room later that evening and there is a book sitting on my bed titled… “The Next 100 Years”. I have a little shelf that I installed above my bed that I can put 1-2 books on so that I can keep them up there for when I read at night. So I placed the book on the shelf and went about my night. As I lay down after count… I reach up to grab the book and as I pull it down… it opens to page “118” and something falls out of the book onto my chest. I look down and see the white back of what looks to be a picture cut out… as I turn it over… it is a picture of the “adult only pool” at the Four Seasons Resort in Maui. My brain immediately is flooded with memories. Memories of us on our honeymoon in Maui in which we stayed at The Four Seasons. We laid in the chairs that are in the picture… we ordered cucumber cocktails and nachos at the swim up bar in the picture… I stood behind her… holding her in my arms by the edge of the infinity pool that is in the picture looking out over the beach as the sun set. I lay there looking at the picture and realize that 10 years ago… today… in this exact moment… we were there… in that exact place… on our honeymoon (brain exploding emoji). I look again at the book… “The Next 100 Years”. I look at the picture… that fell out of page 118… last Friday was our 10 year anniversary on 10/18… 10 years ago today we were in this picture… and today… we are divorced… living in different states… and I am laying on the top of bunk of a steel bed with a grown ass man sleeping 3 feet below me in federal prison. In this moment… I am quite literally the living example of the real life consequences of your decisions and actions. I don’t know what the universe was telling me… but it was undeniable that it was telling me something.
I tried to get some sleep but I couldn’t shut my brain off. “Okay… time for the travel magazine”… I tell myself. I reach under my “mattress” and grab my trusty “Travel And Leisure” magazine… always the go-to when I need to relax and set my mind to the beautiful outdoors as opposed to the craziness of what is happening between my ears. I open to where I left off last… turn the page and see a picture of a buddha and under it is an article about a recently divorced woman who went to a silent wellness retreat to get over the heartbreak of the separation. Really guys… REALLY?! But okay… lets check it out. As I read through the article… most of it is what you would expect and then I reach the end. The author talks about how at the end of her retreat she reflected on what worked and what did not over the past week. She talked about an old Buddhist adage that every life contains 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows that really resonated with her. Then she went on to come to the conclusion that the negative emotions we all experience in this life are not something that we should attempt to bury or overcome but instead genuinely feel and work through. That through this work… we come to the realization that all feelings… good and bad… are something to embrace with the knowledge that nothing in life is permanent. Not life itself… not marriage… not sadness… not grief. So… allow yourself to feel it all… with the knowledge that it will not always be this good and it will certainly not always be this bad.
I found comfort in that… not only with the emotions of the failed marriage but me and my tribe’s current situation as a whole. At the end of the day… one thing is undeniably true… this too shall pass.
Thank you Universe for all the unexplainable things you drop on our chest when we are least expecting it… they allow us to grow if we allow ourselves to acknowledge that there is a lesson sitting right there under our noses’.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Stay Kind.