When I kneeled down to write this weekend… thinking back on the past week… there is one conversation that I cannot get out of my head… one conversation that I wasn’t going to write about… that I didn’t want to write about but why write at all if I am not going to genuinely express what’s going on in my world… right?
So… communication between me and my boys’ Mom has been tough throughout this journey. I find that one of two things happen when guys put themselves behind these walls. One… their significant other out there stands with them and wholeheartedly decides that she is going to weather this storm with her partner on the inside and they take off on this journey together as a couple. This comes with it’s own challenges but this is the not my personal journey so I will not dive into that side of things. Or two… my situation… the significant other and the guy inside decide that their time together as a couple has come to an end and they must navigate the choppy waters of communicating… co-parenting…. co-existing in this insane new life that we now find ourselves in. My experience thus far has been one of small ups and steep downs… tenderly attempting to stay present in her life because she is the mother of my children and we will be forever connected through them so we must find a way to work together for them. This has been challenging but this past week… on one of my calls to my boys… the “communication door” opened ever so slightly…
I called the boys at my normal time and their Mom answered without them in the room… “Hey. It’s me. The boys are in the other room and I am getting dinner ready so you want to call them a bit later… like before bed?” This has never happened… I have never had the option of being able to call the boys at a later time if my scheduled time didn’t work… I was shocked but incredibly grateful for this “olive branch”. “No problem. I will call as soon as the phones turn back on at 5pm/8pm… that work for you?” I say. “Yes. That works… just don’t talk about candy because it will be bedtime.” (The boys are really into us eating our candy together… which fills my soul) “Of course. Thank you so much.” And I hang up with a feeling that I haven’t felt the entire time that I have lived behind these gates… this “small” gesture of working together… it felt amazing… it felt like maybe… just maybe we have turned a page and this next page may actually read like some variation of actual co-parenting.
I hang up the phone and anxiously wait for 5pm to roll around so I can call back… I am out by the phones the second that they open the door and make sure that I am the first person in line to call. 5pm hits and I dial… she answers! Holy sh*t… this is happening. I talk to my oldest for the first 5 minutes or so and then their mom takes the phone back (again… never happened before) and starts talking to me about the parent teacher conference that they just had for my oldest… how well he is doing in class… how he is so helpful and nice to the other kids… I was overwhelmingly proud of him but again… absolutely floored that this conversation is actually happening. She continues to tell me about some things that are going on at home with the boys and getting my input on the situation and all of the sudden… I hear the beep….
The dreaded “you have 60 seconds left” beep. I don’t want to interrupt her so I don’t say anything and then 30 seconds later… I hear the next beep… the “you have 30 seconds left” beep. I have to stop her and tell her… “I am so sorry but the phone is going to hang up. I really want to pick this back up… can I call you as soon as it allows me in 30 minutes or later tonight? Please I really want to finish this conversation.” Pause of silence…. “I’m good” and the phone cuts off. My heart sinks into my stomach… the one time that we are finally communicating… we are finally talking like co-parents should be able to talk regarding our kids… the universe reminds us that I am in prison… I am not there… I cannot help her… she is alone… and my f*cking heart is shattered to pieces.
I try to call her back but she doesn’t answer. And just like that… the candle has been extinguished.
These are the challenges that us parents face behind these walls and the challenges that you parents out there face with a co-parent inside. It is ridiculously hard for both of us and the only thing that we can do is keep trying… keep calling… keep asking… keep emailing… keep caring… keep showing empathy for the ones out there… keep pushing forward. Because we have to.
I will close with this because I think it is crucially important… all of us behind these walls (or ones that will be soon) must never forget that we are the ones that put ourselves here and put our loved ones… co-parents… partners… kids… friends and family in this situation. And because of this fact… we must lead with grace… lead with empathy… lead with patience and understanding… and always keep top of mind that they are doing their best out there (just as we are in here) so as frustrating as things may seem at times… we must breathe and continue forward toward tomorrow.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Persevere… they are worth it.