The Smile

There is a guy in here that I will name Dave (that is not his name)… Dave is 46 years old and has been in and out of prison since he was 17. He has been held in supermax prisons, high security penitentiaries and now has worked his way down to a low security facility to live in the same unit as me. Dave is very intrigued by me and my story… and even more about how perplexing it is to him that he perceives me to always have a positive attitude in such a negative place. He comes into my room almost every morning before chow… coffee in hand and says, “Morning Superstar. Got rainbows shootin out your ass still?” I have come to really enjoy our little morning routine.

Dave asked me the other day about my life on “the streets” (which is how guys in here refer to the real world) and that he assumed I was always “so damn smiley and sh*t” because of my “baller lifestyle” out there. I assured him that this was not the case but then realized that this was a similar lie that I had been telling myself when I was “on the streets” for years…

I had held a misconception around the physics of ultimate happiness. I had thought that I could gain and win and achieve and conquer and acquire and succeed my way to love and happiness. That being in movies, a successful entrepreneur, having the right car, house, perfect family, money, the lifestyle would make me happy… that’s the recipe… right? This would make people love me… right? The fundamental flaw of this theory is the belief that our smile comes from the outside… that it is acquired or achieved from external sources or conditions. That someone will love you so much, they will adore you so deeply and thoroughly, that they will fill you with the bliss that fuels our smiles.

Well… SPOILER ALERT: There are no relationships, careers, houses, cars or anything else that a “baller lifestyle” brings to the table that can fill the hole. There is nothing that we can receive from the material world that will create inner peace and fulfillment. The truth is, our smile is generated through output. It’s not something we get… it’s something we cultivate through giving. In the end, it will not matter one single bit how well they loved me… I will only gain and keep my smile based on how well I loved them.

The physics, as I stated, of love and happiness are a bit counterintuitive. As long as we are stuck in the need to receive… in the cycle of grasping and clinging and demanding that people and the world around us meet our needs… we will be locked into disappointment, anger and misery. The sweet paradox is being fulfilled by giving… that our output precipitates the input… giving and receiving become simultaneous.

Let’s be honest… everyone is struggling. Everyone is having a hard time. Life can be brutal, chaotic, confusing, and excruciating. Our hearts are starving. Loving, giving, helping, serving, protecting, nourishing, empowering, and forgiving are the real secrets to our smiles. Can you imagine what it would feel like if someone whole heartedly loved you, fiercely protected you, fully nourished you, empowered you, and genuinely forgave you?

Unfortunately, for guys like Dave and many others in here (and out there) the answer to this questions is “no”. But what Dave and others (myself included until recently) are missing is that… you have to give it to receive it.

I plan to talk to Dave about my theory on acquiring my “smile” and maybe… just maybe… one of these days, I will be the one walking into his room… coffee in hand… saying, “Dave… got rainbows shooting out your ass today?” I really hope this is the case.