This week has hit all the highs and lows of the emotional roller coaster that is life behind these walls. Started the week off knocking off birthday number 2 in here and I spent the day feeling extremely grateful for the people in my life… grateful for the unexpected and heart warming love that I felt from so many of you out in the real world… grateful for the clarity of direction… grateful for the fact that I am one birthday closer to celebrating with my boys and my loved ones outside the gates… unbelievably grateful.
The day after my birthday… I come “home” from work to the lobby of the unit (and all the units) being decorated for the holidays. Man… I love a good holiday decorated room. It brings me so much joy… I don’t know when this festive jolly spirit started but it is in full effect. Something about seeing the lights… the Christmas tree… the little reindeer in the corner that moves his head back and forth (more like jerks his head back and forth because his neck is semi-broken but he’s trying)… the walls lined with holiday wrapping paper… it all just makes me smile every time I walk into the lobby to use the phone. Such an unexpected treat in this place but one that I cherish.
Then… as I am walking to work Thursday morning… one of the officers stops me as I am entering the chow hall…. “You hear about your homeboy… the older one in J? Sorry man… that’s tough”. Confused because I haven’t heard anything about any one… that I can remember… I ask… “No. Who and what happened?” “Ohh man… Brian (not his actual name) passed away last night. They don’t know exactly what happened yet but he’s gone.” My heart hits the floor… I now remember a situation happening last night that pushed back the 9:30pm count but didn’t think anything of it because things happen all the time but I never expected this. I let the news hit me and walk into work…
Another one… another man in his late 50s or possibly early 60s… gone… dead from cardiac arrest most likely because he had been going to sick call… day after day… week after week… telling them that something didn’t feel right… something was off. Another Dad… brother… Uncle… friend… son… gone. It infuriates me because it seems preventable and just reminds me… in one of the worst ways possible… of the realities of our current environment. I wasn’t extremely close to “Brian” but we talked on the yard almost every evening while we were working out and he would always want to tell me stories about his “Hollywood days”… the stories themselves were what they were but his delivery was absolutely hilarious. He had a way of expressing himself through facial expressions and “acting out” his words that made me cry laughing nightly. As I am writing this… I’m just overwhelmed with the fact that it is unthinkable that he was here mere days ago and now he isn’t. How life is so unbelievably delicate. How all of us guys in here count the months and years until we get out and the reality… as I have seen with my own eyes… is that we all won’t make it out and that is unfathomably heartbreaking…
I look back at weeks such as this one and go through all of the feelings… all the emotions… the nervousness of wondering how I will feel on my birthday… how my family will feel on my birthday with me in here and them out there… then tackling that hurdle together and feeling positive about it all. Then the joy of walking into a holiday filled festive lobby… thinking to myself that I am so grateful for little gifts such as this during the more difficult times of the year to be here. To then the heartbreaking news of the passing of yet another guy behind these walls. This is the emotional journey and life of being incarcerated… trying to hold on with everything we have to any glimmer of positivity because it propels us forward toward tomorrow but then being smacked in the face with the realities of life in prison. Life without access to adequate health care… life without the ability to reach out for immediate help when it is needed… life without loved ones to advocate on your behalf in the moments you need it most… life without control… life that ends on a steel bunk in a cold cell with a stranger sleeping 3 feet above you.
Moments like this make it impossible not to reflect on my decisions that got me here and know the immense consequences of those decisions. We could try to blame the system… blame drugs and alcohol… blame others but at the end of the day… when we lay our heads down at night… we know that it was our fault and we must own that fact. We must learn from it and do everything we can to stay as healthy as possible (mentally and physically) to survive this journey and be the man that we know we have the capability to be on the other side.
I reflect on weeks like this past week and hold on to the lessons learned… hold onto the glimmers of hope and joy… and let the tragic events leave their mark through the lessons but do my best to not get stuck in the darkness of it all.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Don’t take one second for granted out there.