The Program

Ahhhhh it is good to be back!

So a bit of an incident… well the largest incident (by far) since I have lived behind these walls happened last weekend and the whole institution was locked down for multiple days afterward. When something like this happens… it is not simply a situation where they make all of us khaki suits go back to our units without access to the yard. It is back to our units… locked in our specific “ranges” aka hallways (if you are in a unit with rooms) or locked in the open dorm (in units without rooms)… phones are shut down… computers are shut down… TVs are shut down… work is cancelled… visitation is cancelled. Essentially it is complete isolation from everything and everyone that does not live in your immediate space. If you have never experienced something like this… such as myself or other guys who have not “been down” or incarcerated at a higher security level… this is a pretty jarring event.

Successful prison life revolves around created a productive “program”. One that keeps you as busy… mentally and physically… as possible throughout the day so that you steer clear of the always looming boredom monster. Because if and when he gets ahold of you… he quickly throws you into a spiraling dark tunnel of mental warfare about how you got here… how much more time you have…how insanely stupid and unthinkable it is that you did what you did to land yourself here… how you miss your boys… how you miss your family and your friends and your life and your freedom and a couch and your car… and a bed… and the grocery store and all kinds of important and not-so important things that you are stripped of behind these walls. When an event such as the one that happened last week takes place… it not only changes the entire vibe of the prison yard into one where everyone… locked up here or working here… feels a bit off balance. It also completely disrupts our beloved programs… sending us all spiraling in different directions… locked in a building together with no access to the outside world and no information as to when we may be able to resume our “normal” way of living in here. But there was one bit of insightful “light” within the darkness…

It gave me a lot of completely uninterrupted time to think… something that is extremely rare in here (and even more so out there). And something came to me that was extremely eye opening. I was doing one of those crossword puzzles in this “stretch your mind” book that I have… I started doing this on the weekends because I find that I use parts of my brain that I don’t use in other areas of my life. And I realized that there are so many other ways over the past 2 years that I have begun using parts of my brain that had previously gone unused… or at least not been used in quite some time. I dug a little deeper and began realizing that in my darkest years prior to coming to T.I…. when I was really in trouble but no one knew it yet… I experienced a strange phenomenon. The more “danger” I was in… the more my perspective narrowed. My imagination shut down… my empathy shut down… my creative vision closed in. My ability to plan even the simplest of things deteriorated. I think on some level it was simply denial of what was inevitably coming… a state that forced me to focus only on what was small and immediate… things that were right in front of me… and nothing more. I realized that since I have been mentally “released” from this unbearable anguish but physically locked up from everything else… my mind has been freed while my body now has been incarcerated. Pretty interesting realization… one that is extremely sad in a way but one that I am also grateful for because it means that I am moving toward complete freedom… both in mind and body… and for that – man… that will be when life begins.

Okay… what a week it has been over here. Looking positively toward the week ahead and hoping to regain some semblance of our program back… only time will tell.

Stay Healthy. Stay Active.

Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me… I realized how much this outlet means to me when I no longer had it… and I wouldn’t have it without you… so sincerely… thank you!