Man… this week was extremely hard. Guys tell me all of the time that there are only a few things that can happen inside these walls that can cause more stress or make your time “harder” than when something happens outside these walls in your real life. And they are not lying. Things happen in life… we all know that and it is just a part of living. But when “things” happen in your life and you are incarcerated… the level of stress and anxiety that you feel (or I feel) is exponentially elevated.
I found this past week that all of the lessons that I have learned over the past year… all of the tools… all of the work to change my thinking patterns are put to the test when real life comes knocking at the door and I have to find a way to navigate the situation without being able to actually do anything to help the situation. Unfortunately… I failed miserably for the first portion of the week at using my “tools” and instead reverted right back to the way of thinking prior to coming in here. I immediately went into “I need to fix this” mode… “how can I make this right?”… “Who can I call to provide the immediate fix?”… “I need to make this happen right now”… I was consumed by these thoughts… absolutely driving myself crazy trying to fix a problem that I simply could not fix. Being inside these walls… I am cut off from communication so there is no way to text someone and try to work through a problem… I can try to use the phone for 15 minutes but then I cannot use it again for 30 minutes so there is no way to simply call and talk through the issue/s… I can email but it takes between 2-3 hours for the recipient to receive the email and then another 2-3 hours for me to receive the response once they have sent it. I am on an island (no pun intended) and that is a tough pill to swallow when you are attempting to work through a situation that revolves around the people that you love the most out there. I felt helpless… I felt worthless and the reality that it is all my fault… I put myself here… I put my loved ones in this situation… I did this and I can’t even help with fixing any of it… came crashing down on me.
It took a lot of spinning out of control… sleepless nights… stressful days and upsetting conversations to wake up and realize that I had fallen back into the throws of my old ways. I had fallen back into my old thinking patterns… my old behaviors that put me and my loved ones in this situation in the first place and I needed to snap out of it and get ahold of myself. I needed to realize that this is our new reality and in this reality… there are no quick fixes (at least none that I can facilitate). I cannot expect anyone on the outside… especially my loved ones… to take my problems as their own and fix them for me because I cannot fix them myself. I must communicate clearly and honestly… understand for myself what I can and cannot do from behind these walls and then do everything in my power to help the situation but stay firm in the reality of my reach from where I stand. I must fully accept and understand that from my position… things take time… things take finesse… things are going to be more difficult… I must have patience… I must have humility and I must understand that my life and my loved ones lives are different now… and they will forever be different. The way I handled issues in the past was incorrect and I can never revert back to that way of thinking.
So… it was a tough week and there will be more tough weeks ahead. But it was also an eye opening week… a week of learning through pain… through stress… through frustration but then through clarity. One thing is for absolute certain…this place will test you and it will test the ones who stand by you through the journey. But if I allow myself to learn from the trials and tribulations… I am also certain that I will be better by traversing the hills and valleys when I walk out these doors.
Thank you to everyone out there that had to deal with me this week… and every week 😉 I am so unbelievably grateful for you.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active.
Hope you all are having/had a fantastic Easter Weekend with the ones you love.