Let me put you up on game real quick (as the “homeboys” would say in here). Cardinal rule while you are living behind these walls… ‘If they are good…. You are good’. I cannot express how important this notion is to remember and how incredibly true it is as it relates to your mental health while incarcerated. I will only speak for myself… although I know it rings true for many guys on the yard… that I live in a constant state of mild panic in here. I am forever worried about something happening to a loved one out there… or that I won’t be able to talk to my boys and if I don’t talk to my boys then they will feel like I am not thinking about them… or that as each day passes and it is another day that I am not physically with my boys and my loved ones out there that they will begin to lose their connection to me and eventually I will just cease to exist on any substantial level… so many uncontrollable (and hopefully unrealistic) worries but worries none the less.
And then something happens such as what happened this past week that snaps me out of any funk that I may be in and reminds me of the cardinal rule. It is currently the best week of any month… aka Grandma with the boys week… and this week is even better because my two oldest nieces were able to go with her this time. From the first moment that the phone answered on their end… I could immediately hear the recklessly amazing excitement as all 4 voices giggled and shouted and talked simultaneously to each other and me. It didn’t matter if I could understand one word of what they were saying… the loving and joyous energy that I felt from miles and worlds away through that phone made my entire universe feel at peace. And just when I thought it could not get any better… my call the following evening took the cake…
“Hello Family!” I happily stated as the phone answered on their end… in unison I hear 5 voices yell… “Hiiiii” followed by my youngest son… “Daddy… Daddy… I have a surprise for you!” “Hi Bud! Tell me… what is it?” He breaks into a ridiculously adorable “Happy Birthday” song… granted it is not my birthday but who cares… I will bank it into memory for future birthdays to come. Then my oldest son jumps on the phone… “Okay Daddy. Are you listening?” he says. “Of course Bud. What’s up?” The phone goes quiet for a moment…. “Okay guys.” I hear him saying. “One. Two. Three. Four….” What followed will have me smiling for the rest of the month…. all 4 kids broke into a remarkable rendition of “Old Town Road”… singing every single lyric to me in a performance that absolutely floored me. Not only because I really have never heard any of them break into song in such a “professional” way but more importantly… I could feel their joy… like physically feel it. As tears formed in my eyes… I was just so incredibly thankful for the moment. Thankful for my mom (their Grandma)… thankful that they have each other… thankful that their Mom has allowed them to spend this crucially important quality time with their cousins… thankful that my sister and brother in law allowed their girls to travel across the country to be with the boys… and just genuinely beyond grateful that I was able to be a part of it all.
As the 15 minutes came to a close… the cardinal rule was incredibly clear to me… ‘If they are good. You are good.’ I think that we naturally attempt to impose our will on situations and relationships… especially when it feel that we are losing control in one way or another. This is especially true when living behind these walls because we are out of control 99.9% (if not 100%) of the time. But we cannot force our loved ones into doing something or feeling something solely because we want it to be so. We must let them navigate life and be there in any way possible to assist and nurture when the opportunity presents itself. And most importantly… living in the constant state of panic that I spoke about above is the same thing as holding onto resentments in our lives. It’s like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt someone else… it only negatively impacts us. So… take a breathe… show up for them in every way possible and cherish the moments when you get to experience their joy first hand… it will propel you through any darkness that is to come until the next moment of light.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Stay Positive.