Well… I feel as though I have accomplished something as this week comes to a close. I finished what is known in here as “Non-Res” aka Non-Residential RDAP (Drug and Alcohol Program that you do prior to the bigger residential program) after 6 months of meetings, homework, reading, discussions, presentations and much more introspection and “self-work” than I thought was actually going to happen. And as I sat in my last session on Friday morning with a group of 8 other guys that have been right there with me for the journey… I realized that it wasn’t only about completing this program that made me feel good. It was about simply completing something… anything really. It sounds strange but I had an epiphany of sorts and my brain opened up… making this “simple” accomplishment become much more than that…
I realized that I have gone through much of my life having impulses… and these impulses turn into ideas… and these ideas turn into concepts which turn into projects or business ventures or even relationships. And I am extremely jazzed at the forefront of these adventures and then something shifts as I get into the meat of the “thing”. The thrill of the new horizon that I was venturing towards or through would have me buzzing with energy… excitement and drive to make “X” the best possible “X” that it could be. But then once I accomplished… what in hindsight was just the beginning… I would lose interest and set my sites on the next adventure. I would never fully finish anything. I would always make some excuse as to why I was moving on or even worse… create some crazy lie that would legitimize the move from point A to point B. Leaving not only my effort… energy… time… money… and feelings behind but others that were along the ride with me as well. I feel horrible about this and unfortunately… I did it many times prior to my incarceration. Looking back with my ever evolving new perspective… I wonder if it was a defense mechanism that guarded me from never actually feeling the failure in the moment. If I stifled anything from getting to the point of failure by pulling the rip cord or making such destructive decisions that there was no hope in true success… maybe I was unconsciously guarding myself from the potential to actually allow the “thing” to fail.
And then I completed this program and it hit me. I realized that I have failed… I have failed quite miserably… at every single significant “thing” that I have ventured into throughout my past. Failed businesses… failed marriage… failed friendships… failed everything. I have lied (to myself and others)… cheated… manipulated… fabricated… exaggerated… and really just flat out royally f*cked up so incredibly much throughout my life. And while I will forever be at work… every single day for the rest of this life to pick up the pieces of my destruction…. the act of realizing these failures is a win within the rubble. It is a win because it is honest. It is a win because it is the first time that I have been truthful with myself without qualifying that truth with a “but”. And for that… I am beyond grateful. There is no way to go back and change my decisions and actions of the past… so the only way to change my future and guarantee that I never go back to that version of myself… is to genuinely learn from it all. And I am certainly learning.
I think the lesson… in life behind these gates and out in the real world… comes from pushing ourselves slightly out of our comfort zone and not allowing our natural instinct to ‘get back to comfort’ as fast as possible to take over. Because it is in this slightly uncomfortable place that we find things out about ourselves that we overlook as we are cruising through life in the fast lane. We slow down because being uncomfortable forces us to be more cautious… with our thoughts and actions… and through this cautious discovery… this slowed pace of life… we get the opportunity to genuinely see ourselves.
So… thank you “Non-Res”. May you be the first honest accomplishment in a long string of professional and personal life endeavors on this crazy road ahead.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. With great failure comes great opportunity. Embrace it.