I heard the chatter before I heard the news. This is how things typically go behind these walls. “Hollywood. They’re moving you homeboy. RDAP time bro”… I hear from multiple guys as I leave work Wednesday afternoon and walk back to “my” unit that apparently will no longer be my unit in a matter of hours. As the third person stopped me to tell me the “rumor”… I began to get nervously excited. My mind was flooded with thoughts as I walked down the breezeway toward the South Yard. “Is it true? Am I going to move today? I’m not ready at all… I haven’t consolidated anything. I wish they gave me at least a day heads up. I wonder who my Bunkie will be. I wonder if it’s loud in the dorm. When will the program actually start? Is it really true? No… why would they move me on a Wednesday… that doesn’t make sense. I really wanted this 2 months or so ago… am I still ready now? I wonder why I don’t feel as ready”… it’s pretty wild how fast your mind can rapid fire rounds at you. I turn the corner to the South Yard and BAM… I’m hit with 4 more guys telling me that I am moving to A Unit. “I heard. I heard… lets see what happens “. As I get closer to my current unit… I see the officer standing outside with a big smile on her face. “It’s true Hollywood. You gotta be over there by the 3:30pm move” she says. “Nope. I’m not going… you can’t make me leave”… I joke with her.
My heart is beating a million miles a minute. I was taken aback by how nervous and anxious I got the moment I realized that I was actually about to move. I was actually about to start the next chapter of this journey. I was actually about to have a complete program shift and basically everything that I have known as “life” for the past 3.5 years is now going to be behind me and starting today… the next phase begins. But first things first… I gotta pack.
I haven’t seen the lockers with my own eyes but I have heard the rumors about how ridiculously tiny they are in the RDAP unit compared to the locker/closets that we have in F Unit. “Hmmm… well I guess I will just pack everything and once I get there… I’ll figure it out.” I grab the 3 laundry bags that I have and start packing up my world. One bag of clothes. One bag of food. One bag of notepads and pens and letters and books and pictures and all the “personal” stuff that makes me feel like me when the world around me feels nothing like my life. My garbage bag of work uniforms. My boots. My shoes. Okay… that’s that. I throw my “mattress” with my belongings on top of a laundry bin and like a homeless man with his grocery cart… I begin the journey across the compound to my new digs.
A unit… my new “home”… is on the 2nd floor (above B Unit) directly across the North Yard from the Chow Hall. I park my “moving truck” outside the unit and head upstairs to figure out where my new bunk will be and what everything looks like so I can logistically plan my move correctly. “Hey C.O. (the politically correct way to address an officer if you do not know his/her name… ‘C.O. = Correctional Officer). I’m moving in over here today… do you know what bunk I am supposed to be at?” I ask him. “What’s up Hollywood. Let me look. Uhhhhh…. you are in…. North Side 02-30Upper.” “Okay. Thank you.” I say out loud while simultaneously thinking… “Sh*t. I was told the North Side is loud and hot and I really wanted a bottom bunk.” But… I head North to check out my new “home”. I find my bunk… take a deep breath and accept the fact that I can only control my emotions and reactions to the environment… I cannot control the environment itself… so… here we go.
I start making the rounds up and down the stairs… grab my mattress… grab my bags… “Okay. Let’s make this “home””…. I think to myself. And for me… “home” means pictures of my boys and the tribe. So task #1… get those pictures taped up on the inside of my locker door. Ahhh… I can feel the tension release from my shoulders a bit the moment the pictures are up. I begin to fill the left side of the locker with the essentials… fish… raw nuts… oatmeal… deodorant… shampoo… soap and a bottle of lotion. Annnd… the left side if packed full. Now to the right side… 2 pairs of shorts… 2 shirts… 2 pairs of boxers… a bowl…a coffee cup… annnnd it’s basically full…
“Horwitz! Horwitz! Where is Horwitz?”… I hear coming from the lobby. “Walking” I yell… to let the officer know that I hear him and I’m on the way. “I made a mistake…You’re on the wrong side man… your bunk is actually on the south side… 03-13-lower”. I smile… laugh… allow myself to enjoy this little victory and turn to head back to undo all the “moving in” I just did at my North Side address. “Thanks C.O… I’ll move over there now”.
I repeat the move-in process at my new bunk on the south side… MUCH BETTER location by the way… and head to take a shower because I haven’t stopped sweating since 6am between work and the moving mayhem. The rest of the evening is a bit off… not because of anything in particular but just in a new place… with new people and new processes and all. I am also in a dorm now as opposed to a double man room so there is no going to my room… shutting the door and having some privacy any longer… I now share a room with 75 other dudes. 75 dudes that don’t necessarily want to get to bed right after count like I do… sooo falling asleep and staying asleep will also take some getting used to. But… I eventually doze off and Day 1 is a wrap…
Then… I woke up. As I open my eyes and sit up on my bunk… the magic meets my gaze. Directly in front me is a window that looks out over the ocean. It is still dark out… I can see the lights of the shipping yard across the water glimmering. I can see the ships being ushered in by their tug boats. I breathe deeply. I get up out of bed to complete silence in the unit… as I am the only one awake. I grab my coffee and head to the TV room… not to watch TV but to enjoy this time to myself… just me and her… right there with me… just outside the window. Man… she’s beautiful. I watch as the first glimmer of day begins to peak over the horizon and I cannot help but feel unbelievably grateful. Grateful for this view… grateful for the next part of the journey… grateful for my boys and my tribe… grateful to have another shot… grateful for the new day clearly showing me that everything is going to be alright. Grateful.
So… the next chapter begins. One page closer to my boys… one page closer to my tribe… one page closer to free air… one page closer to life as life should be.
The lesson here lies in releasing the reins and allowing things to happen when and how they are supposed to happen. I wasn’t supposed to be in that last RDAP class back in May… I wasn’t supposed to live at North Side 02-30Upper… I was supposed to just take it all in stride… keep that chin to the sun and trust that what is supposed to happen… will happen. I hope you guys find a way to do the same out there. And… if you can… I think you’ll find yourself opening your eyes in the morning to your own magic meeting your gaze.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Release the Reins.