And just like that… another birthday passes behind these gates. This one was different though…. in a good way. As I woke up the morning of my birthday… I felt good… I felt the warmness of gratitude that has bled over from the week prior and I thought to myself… “today is going to be a good day”. But that was that… there wasn’t any feeling of the day being “a thing” (if that makes sense). The years past… my birthday felt much heavier than it did this year. I felt the weight of being in here… I felt the absence of real life… but looking back… these emotions were simply self imposed. The reality of being here and not there is ever present but that is the reality of every day and it is my decision to push it toward the forefront because I happen to be born on this day. But this year… I did not feel the need to push the negative forward… I made the decision and felt a much stronger desire to focus on the fact that today… I feel good… I feel grateful and I am going to get in that kitchen and make the best damn BBQ chicken… cornbread… potato salad and chocolate cake that these officers have ever tasted in their life. And that is exactly what I did.
And then… I did do something cool when I got back from conquering the kitchen. I was reflecting on the past couple of birthdays and I started thinking about how lucky I have been to be able to feel the love from my “tribe” through the cards and emails that I have received. I have been able to feel so supported which is a real gift behind these walls. I have kept all of my cards from the past years so I got the folder out of my locker and began reading them. I realized through this process that I have never looked back and thought about if any of the “wishes” that people sent my way in years past actually came true over the year leading up to my present birthday. The cards were filled with sentiments such as… “I wish you a year filled with growth…” “I wish you a year filled with love for yourself…” “I wish you a year filled with small moments of peace and joy…” “I wish you a year filled with connection…”. I started going through each one and looking back at the past year and thinking if I was able to “accomplish” said wish. Through the “exercise”… I discovered that I have really done a good amount of tangible… positive… work over the past year but I also realized that we (or at least I) hardly ever look back on our birthdays. We turn a year older and think about the year ahead without reflecting… processing and learning from the year behind us. And I think this reflection is a really important component to growth.
As I was looking back on my past year… I was able to pin point specific instances where the “growth” happened in real time. Moments of frustration that was met with practical thinking as opposed to emotional reactions. Instances of having to deliver difficult news to loved ones that would be lessened by a “white lie”… but it is clear to me now that white lies do not exist so the truth is the only option. Days when taking short cuts would make life much easier but would deliver a sub par result so the long road is the one that I took. As I read through the cards and the wishes… I realized that this moment was the birthday gift in itself. To take a sliver of time and not concern my thoughts with what is next but instead consciously focus on what has passed…. what has been learned from these past 365 days and how I can use these lessons starting on day one of this new year of life. And it gave me that feeling you get when you have fully prepared for a task… you are ready for whatever is thrown at you… you are entering the arena with confidence… the “Let’s Get It!” mentality.
That night… as I began to wind down the day… I walk into the TV room and I notice Ben Affleck’s movie “The Town” is just about to end on one of the TVs. I love this movie so I turn my radio on and start listening. It is the closing scene that depicts Affleck’s character standing on the porch of a house… somewhere far away from his sins of Boston and he says… “No matter how much you change…. you still gotta pay the price for what you’ve done”….
Lessons are being learning… growth is happening… but I still have a long road ahead of me and that can never be forgotten.
So here I am… on that road… in the driver’s seat and I am and will continue to pay the tolls along the way…
Stay Healthy. Stay Active.
Sometimes it takes looking back to confidently step forward.