I need to set the stage by giving the “layout” of my “house” so that you can get as close as possible to visualizing the following interaction. Even though… lets be honest… unless you have lived behind these walls… thankfully you won’t ever be able to genuinely grasp the reality of this environment. But we will get as close as we can. Okay… so the “house” consists of a bunk bed and 2 lockers. The lockers are waist high… lets say about 3 feet… 2 feet wide and 2 feet deep… they remind me of a decent size safe. The lockers sit about 3 feet or so away from the bunk so if you put the back of one of the plastic chairs against the edge of the bunk and open up the doors of your locker… your knees will be inside those locker doors almost touching all of your worldly belongings in there. This position… chair against bunk… locker door open… you sitting in said chair doing something “inside” locker… is the quintessential position when living in a dorm that sends the message… “I’m doing something for myself right now and want privacy”. Privacy… HA HA…riiiiigghhht. But we can try.
Now that I painted the picture… let me take you back to Thursday evening…
I’m sitting in the ‘privacy position’… looking through pictures of my boys because I want to change out a couple that are currently taped up on my locker door. I recently received their “first day of school” pics and I like to have at least 1 or 2 of the most recent pictures up so when I look in the locker… I feel as though I am “seeing” them as they are in that moment. So… I’m quietly debating which pictures I will need to take down in order to put the new ones up… which is a monumental task for me… when I notice something creep just below my locker door into my line of sight. It is a set of large toes. Then another set lands right next to it. I stare at them… “Yup. Those are toes. This is not cool.” I process the fact that there are now man-toes in my personal space and then visually track those toes up… and up… and up… “wait a second… where’s this dude’s head”… and up… to finally land on the face of a massive man standing… more accurately hulking… over me at my locker. When I say massive… this is no exaggeration… he is 7 feet tall (literally) and my best guess would be about 285 – 300 lbs. This face that I have now landed on also is sporting a rather slick Wolverine beard… you know… got the chops that go down to the chin strap but no mustache to speak of… interesting choice but no judgement here… not yet at least.
“Hey Zach. I’m Dangerous Dan” he says. “Jesus F*ckin…” I think as I look down at the coffee mug that he is holding with the words “Dangerous Dan” carved into the bottom of the plastic mug and “Double D” carved into the top. “But the guys call me Double D or Big D” he continues. Okay now I’m judging. “What’s Up Dan” I say to him… absolutely refusing to call this massive man by any of these chosen nicknames.” I have been wanting to come talk to you but didn’t know when would be a good time because I know you’re busy and I don’t want to bother you but my wife… she is out there… and uhhh… well she reads your blogs… she reads them all the time… she has read all of them… some more than once… and she uhhh… she well…. she sends me the good ones… ohh I mean they are all good I am sure but she sends me the ones about parenting… and she is with our 5 kids… its a lot… she manages a lot… and one of my sons is autistic and that is hard but he is so strong and so great and a really good kid… anyway… all my kids are good kids… but my son… he is special (tears forming in Dan’s eyes)…. anyway… I just wanted to thank you because you are helping her… and me… because you’re helping her… understand this thing we are doing. So… yeah… Thank you.”
Stopped me in my tracks.
Now tears are forming in my eyes. And I am furious with myself for the judgement that I was feeling moments ago… for my immediate annoyance that someone was in my personal space while I was in ‘privacy mode’… for all the selfish reasons that I have to justify these judgements before hearing one single word that this man had to say. Anyway… deep breath. I grab my bunkies chair because he wasn’t “home” at the time and tell Dan to sit down. We talk about his son and the ups and downs of navigating autism… and supporting both his beautiful son and his wife while living behind these walls as much as he possibly can. We talk about this journey and how writing has helped me express the roller coaster of emotions that I experience on a moment to moment basis and maybe doing something creative such as leather work or music may help him work through that screaming voice between the ears that we experience in here. We talk about life as a 7ft tall man and how wild that experience is in itself. We talk… for about 30 minutes… about life and the love we have for our kids and his faith and the future. He gets up to leave and we shake hands… “I’m here man. Don’t be afraid to come over if you need to talk or vent or whatever. I’m here” I tell him. He thanks me… take a few steps away from my locker and pauses… “I noticed those pictures in your locker. They look really happy… those are happy kids” he says.
I smiled and then looked down at the pictures… they do look happy. And that made me feel happy.
Both in here and out there… we just never know what someone may be going through… what is happening or has happened in their world that led them to where they stand today. Have grace for each other. Take the time to listen to each other. Try… as I am trying… not to make snap judgements about people before you actually get a feel for who they are (even if they enter your ‘private zone’ with bare feet). And to Mrs. Dangerous Double D out there… thank you for reading… thank you for being the rock that you clearly are for your family out there and your man in here and thank you to all of the other Super Hero tribes-people holding us khaki suits down… we wouldn’t be able to do it without you.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Give listening a try.