NUMBER 2

Well… it’s about to be birthday number 2 behind these walls. I have been thinking a lot this past week about how I feel in regard to it and honestly… the overwhelming emotion is a feeling of “we are doing it”. We… as in myself and everyone that has been touched by this journey is getting through it the best that we all can. We are feeling the emotions… we are cherishing the pleasant moments… the laughs… the glimmers of light and we are also working through the tough days. We are learning how to process and walk through some of the hardest realities that we have ever been faced with and we are waking up the next day to tackle the next one. All in all… I think “we” are doing very well given the circumstances and most of all… I am so beyond grateful for all of you that are included in the “we”. You guys are the reason that I am able to find the light in the darkness and make me the luckiest birthday boy in the world because I have you in my life.

Now… personally. I look back on these past 2 years and I am blown away by the fact that this is actually my second birthday in here. It is absolutely surreal to me how the years (crazy!)… the months… the weeks… the days pass by but then when I take a step back on days such as birthdays and really process my life… I just can’t believe that I am here. I can’t believe that I did something so insanely wrong… that hurt people… that put myself in this situation and put my boys… my family and friends… everyone that I care about in this horrific reality. It’s puts me in this schizophrenic mindset of being so incredibly infuriated with myself but also so grateful that the craziness of the life that I created out there is over. That I have the chance to work toward mending the wounds… re-building the bridges and working tirelessly to live a life that I can be proud of as opposed to simply the facade of a life that I wanted others to be proud of me for living. That sentence in itself… I wouldn’t have been able to acknowledge that notion prior to April 6, 2021… and now it is so clear to me and for that I am grateful.

I think birthdays… especially as we get older… are much more about introspection and taking a look at where your life is… where you want it to go over the next year and the aspects that you are grateful for as opposed to a “celebration” and that is exponentially magnified when you find yourself spending your birthday in an unthinkable place and situation like I find myself in today. This internal exploration is something that I try to do on a daily basis but one that I definitely find myself doing… almost constantly… around this time of year. I am thinking about how I can be a better Dad to my boys within the constraints of this life… how I can continue to grow as a person…learning from my past mistakes and consciously working on myself each day to never go back to living my past life. Holding myself accountable to complete honesty with myself and everyone in my life in all areas of that life… and allowing myself to live in the moment as opposed to focusing on what lies ahead. I am focused on continuing to learn how to feel my emotions… good or bad… and express myself accordingly. And most of all… I am learning to love the person that I see in the mirror which allows me to genuinely be this person to the ones that I love outside these walls. This is certainly easier said than done but it is easier today than it was on this day last year and that is all I can hope for.

I look toward this next year with hope for growth… hope for more laughs than cries for everyone that I love… hope for continuing to nurture and strengthen my unique bond with my boys and hope that I look back at this day next year and feel even more hopeful than I do today.

Thank you so much for the grace… the love… the support… everything.

Stay Healthy. Stay Active. We are doing it…