Okay… I just have to say it…. Damn I miss my boys.
As I rush to get to one of the 10 or so working computers this weekend to kneel down and write… I can’t help but think about the aspects of this current life that I cannot control and the way in which this lack of control in here is a reflection… if not a reminder… of my lack of control in my real life as well. This past week… half the computers on the compound have been down (on occasion… all of them)… the phones have been down (currently 1 out of 4 is still not working in my unit)… and at face value… you may think this isn’t that big of a deal but when our only outlet to the outside world is through phone and computer access… the inability to use these “tools” really puts a damper on life. For me personally… I noticed that I was focusing my energy on the fact that these devices weren’t working and how frustrating that was for all the guys trying to stay connected to our loved ones out there but in reality… my “annoyance” with the situation was not at all the true crux of my emotions. The reality is… I really missed my boys this week. I miss them so much. And the fact that I could not do anything as it relates to the computer and phone issue just drove home the reality that I can do absolutely nothing beyond what I am currently doing to satiate my thirst to be with them.
I am handicapped by the situation that I put us all in and it is unbelievably difficult at times…. and it certainly has been this past week. I try extremely hard to stay positive because it doesn’t help me or them to dwell on the negatives but sometimes the facts just cannot be ignored… and sometimes that fact is that I want to be with them. But due to all of the circumstances that surround our relationship… I can only call at my scheduled times during the week and pray to connect in any way possible. I wish I could do more… I wish I had more control in here (and out there) to connect with them when our phone calls just aren’t cutting it. But… I can’t and that is a reality that is tough to swallow.
All that being said… I must face this reality and simply work through the pain as it is part of the process as I make my way down the tunnel toward the light. And that is what I am doing and will continue to do. Life in here… or life out there… we are all going to go through tough times… heart breaking moments… hard phone calls… missing loved ones… wanting something that we can’t have… needing to be with people that are outside our reach in one way or another. And we must find ways to accept these realities but actively do something in order to work through the heartache. For me… behind these walls… that “breathe of fresh air” has literally been to go get a breathe of fresh air. Get outside… get a good sweat in… look out over the water and remind myself of the aspects of life that I am beyond grateful for as opposed to the ones that I would like to change. And that is exactly what I am about to do… because that is one thing that I can control so no excuses… here I go!
Stay Healthy. Stay Active.
Cherish every single moment with your loved ones out there… you really don’t know how special they truly are until that “just a phone call away” is much easier said than done…