Man…. memories. The slideshow of my life outside these walls that plays in my mind on a daily basis is one of the best survival tools that I have been able to tap into since I have been at T.I. It allows for me to “escape” this reality for even a few moments and transport myself back to a time when I could scoop my boys up and wrestle them on the couch or throw pillows at each other from my bed (a favorite game of my oldest son)… text friends to hang out… come home to a family… look forward to cooking dinners… small things like bath time for the boys… reading them books before bed… waking up early on Sunday mornings to get outside and get some type of meat on the smoker to get it cooking for the football day with friends and family ahead. I miss it all and everyone involved so much but these memories allow them all to stay vividly alive in my mind.
Today I started thinking about memories in a whole different way… the fact that starting on March 13 of this year (2022)… I have not been able to make new memories with my loved ones outside of a prison environment and I will not be able to for an extended period of time. No more “remember when we went here” or “Daddy… remember when we did…”… all of the memories are before this date. And that is a tough pill to swallow and an extremely difficult reality to accept. My oldest was on the phone with me this weekend and was looking at a photo album that my mom put together for him of pictures of him and everyone in his life throughout the years (one of many incredible gifts from her to them and me). He was describing every picture to me as he flipped through the pages… “Daddy… this is me and you and my brother at the beach” … “Daddy… this is me and you and Mommy and my brother at our old house”…. I could have stayed on the phone for days and listened to him describe each picture. My heart was full for those 15 minutes…
Then I got off the phone and it hit me… he won’t have any pictures to look at that will include his “Daddy” past what he already has or certainly not outside of a prison… and that is my fault. And that is truly heart breaking. It is times like these that (once again) the lesson hits home and hits really f*cking hard…
I will make it my life’s mission during this time to do anything within my power to create positive memories for my boys… whether that be by phone… by visits… or any other communication medium that comes around in the future to ensure that my sons can continue to have memories with their Dad during this time. But these memories will not be the ones that they deserve… far from it and for that… I will be forever sorry to them.
Here’s to all the Dads on the inside… trying desperately to keep the candle burning with their children on the outside. It is the hardest thing that I have ever had to and probably will ever have to do but it is also the most important. We can never give up this fight and I damn sure never will.
Stay Healthy. Stay active. And go make some new memories with your kids 🙂