Here we are… birthday week for my oldest boy.
I wrote last week about my inability to remember specific events while I have been behind this walls but when it comes to my boys’ birthdays… I remember every single detail of these weeks. These are the hard weeks in here. These weeks are the ones that drive home the reality that I am not physically with them when I should be… that I am not there to plan his birthday party with him… I am not there to make him special meals on his special day… buy him that gift he has been wanting for months and watch the joy on his face as he opens it. I am not there to scoop him up in my arms and tell him how much I love him… how proud I am of him and how I am so thankful that I get to spend today and tomorrow and the next day by his side. These are the hard weeks… these are the “punishment” weeks. But these are also the weeks that I have to find ways to ground myself and do everything that I can to be a parent from behind these walls because he did nothing wrong to deserve to not have his Dad present for his birthday… his Dad did… so it’s on me to be there… as much as I possibly can be… for my little guy.
And that is where my focus has been. As a parent in prison… we must use every resource that we have in order to attempt to make our loved ones feel the love that we have for them even if we cannot physically be with them on their special day. So… in order to do that… it was time for me to get creative and come up with ways in which I could connect with my buddy from across the country… and I found one answer in a little round sugar free candy that I get from commissary every week. I sent him a birthday card earlier this week and in the envelope… I put one of these sugar-less treats in there (an orange one – my favorite flavor) with a note that explained to him that this is my favorite “candy” in here and that on his birthday… I will have the exact same candy… ready to enjoy with him when I call him to tell him Happy Birthday. Just a small way for us both be doing the same thing…at the same time… as if we were in the same room… Connecting… that is the key… in any way possible.
So early Saturday morning… I woke up to make sure that I was standing by the phones when they turned on so that I could call him… and at 6am sharp… I dialed…nervously… because I wanted his mom to answer… I wanted him to know… really know… how much I was thinking about him and loved him… and after a few rings… there he was… “Daddy!”. “Happy Birthday Buddy!”… we proceeded to have the best 15 minute call that I could have asked for… given the circumstances. We played “birthday Rock, Paper, Scissor”… we talked about what he was going to do… he hadn’t received my card yet so we made a plan to have another “special birthday call” on Monday (hoping it is there by then)… and we wrapped up the call with him wanting to play “read my mind”. This is a game in which we guess what each other are thinking… he goes first and after a second of tapping into his mind reading ability he guesses that I am thinking… “that you are out of jail and with me so that you can kiss me and hug me and pick me up and squeeze me”…. “Wow buddy. That is exactly right!!” “Okay Daddy… now you guess what I am thinking…” “Okay…hmmm… you are thinking… that you wish you were in California and we were playing on the beach together for your birthday!” I tell him. He responds…. “Nope. I’m thinking about fireworks.” Instant laugh… all is well in the world :).
For anyone who may be about to start this journey… or currently serving your time away from your loved ones… it is about finding ways… any way possible… to connect to them out there. It isn’t easy… but it is possible.. no matter how “small” the gesture may seem to be… it really is “the thought that counts”. So reach out… tell them you love them… tell them you miss them… send the card with the cheesy saying on the cover… write them a letter… just put the effort in because they are worth it. And know that there will be hard weeks in here… weeks where you wake up in the middle of the night… feeling the cold steel of the bunk underneath you and wonder how you are going to survive this journey… but that feeling will pass… we will survive… and for me… staying connected to my loved ones out there is the key to this survival.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active.
Happy Happy Happy (Happy Happy Happy) Birthday Buddy!!
I love you to the moon and back infinity times.