My sister sent me the transcripts of a Ted Talk by Brene Brown this week that smacked me right in the face… it hit home in so many ways that it choked me up while I was reading it on multiple occasions. Not because what she was saying was sad or brought up bad memories… but because it spoke to me so directly… so genuinely… as though her words were translating the things that I had (and still do) felt/feel throughout the years. I have heard Brene speak before I came to T.I. a couple times when she was interviewed on Dax Shepard’s podcast “Armchair Expert” (highly recommend) and enjoyed listening to her insights and opinions but this specific talk was right up my alley.
The talk revolves around vulnerability and our struggles with embracing it… more specifically why and how we struggle with this embrace and the impact that either accepting and expressing vulnerability has on us or the detriment if we block it from our lives. Brene starts by discussing the importance of connection… she states that “connection is why we’re here. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it is all about. It doesn’t matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice, mental health or abuse and neglect… what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is – neurobiologically – that’s how we’re wired… it’s why we are here.” — I find this incredibly true… we live for feeling connected… we strive to find “our people” so that we feel included… a part of something… loved and wanted. Without it… we feel lost and alone… leading to depression and isolation which then leads to behavior change. We live in a world today where mass shootings are disgustingly prevalent (I woke up this morning to another shooting right outside of Los Angeles)… I have to believe that these shooters suffers from a lack of connection that (among other issues) leads them to commit this heinous crimes.
Brene goes on to discuss that an “unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection” is shame. “Shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection… Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection? This feeling is universal: we all have it. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it, the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this “I’m not good enough… I’m not rich enough… I’m not thin enough… I’m not beautiful enough… not smart enough”… the thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability. This idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.” — AMEN BRENE. AMEN.
When discussing the notion of “allowing ourselves to be seen”… she dives into worthiness… our perceived value. She states that there are two types of individuals that she studied… one group that “really has a sense of worthiness… they have a strong sense of love and belonging… and other folks who struggle with this…Folks who are always wondering if they’re good enough. There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s it. They believe they’re worthy. The hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we’re not worthy of connection”. — As I have stated multiple times… our minds are so incredibly powerful and learning tools to positivity impact our thoughts is immensely crucial to our mental health because clearly… what we BELIEVE about ourselves turns out to be a self-fulfilling prophesy… for better or for worse.
Brene goes on to discuss courage and that the people who found fulfillment in her studies all had this sense of courage. She states, “the original definition of courage is from the Latin word “cor”, meaning “heart”… and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because as it turns out, we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly. And the last commonality between the “fulfilled group” was that they fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn’t talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say “I love you” first… the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees… the willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.” — Once again – this all just rang so true to me. I am learning everyday to embrace this vulnerability and “courage”… and every day that I make progress in the right direction liberates me… mentally and emotionally… more than I could have ever imagined.
The last point that I want to highlight is her discussion of our need to “numb vulnerability”. She states that, “we live in a vulnerable world and one of the ways to deal with it is to numb vulnerability. We are the most in-debt… obese… addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can’t say… here’s the bad stuff. Here’s vulnerability… here’s grief… here’s shame… here’s fear… here’s disappointment. I don’t want to feel these. I’m going to have a couple of beers…”
She goes on to say… “You can’t numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those… we numb joy… we numb gratitude… we numb happiness. And then, we are miserable, and we are looking for purposes and meaning… and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers… and it becomes a cycle.” — I have found myself in this vicious cycle so many times over the years… trying to hide from reality… “numb” myself to the demons that I was hiding but you can’t… eventually – you need to face whatever it is that you are trying to “numb” and face it head on.
All in all… I found every bit of Brene’s Ted Talk to be extremely enlightening and insightful. I urge you guys to go check it out… and I will live vicariously through you lucky ones who can still use the internet and actually view the talk as opposed to reading it ;).
I will leave you with this… at the end of her talk she discusses parenting and every ounce of it is fantastic but she states that we need to allow ourselves and our children to “be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen… to love with our whole hearts, even though there’s no guarantee”.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active.
“I’m just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive.”
“The most important, is to believe that we’re enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, “I’m enough”… then we stop screaming and start listening, we’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.”
Thanks Sis. Love you.