I look down at my left wrist… 9:58am. I have now been awake for 6 hours with nothing in my body besides coffee and willpower. I need to eat. Usually by this time… I have made myself a nice, “fresh” salad with my trusty bag of tuna alongside but today has been one of those days… today has been a mess. I throw open the fridge to see what I can find… “Okay… there is some lettuce from yesterday… can of beets… corn… ohh cool… sliced onion. That will do.”… I think to myself and toss it all in a big bowl for immediate destruction. I slam it down in a matter of minutes and back to work I go.
The rest of the late morning/early afternoon rush goes as planned… hotdogs are on the menu this fine Friday or as it is called behind these gates… “Ladies Night”… which is always a huge hit. Business has been booming since 8:45am and is finally winding down now that it is close to noon. As I am cleaning up the dining room… there is this nagging lethargic feeling that has washed over me that I can’t seem to kick. Now… Friday may be Ladies Night to the officers but to me… Friday is the day that I call my boys… so feeling anything but energized and talkative is unacceptable in my book. Coffee time it is. I slam a cup and figure… “what the hell… lets go for a second”… down the hatch another cup of coffee goes. Over the next hour… as I wait for the move so that I can rush back to unit and jump on the phone. I begin to feel… strange… lets call it. But mind over matter… “you will feel good… you will talk to the boys… you will be happy… all is well.” “10 minute move… this begins the 10 minute move.” Boom… off to the unit I go.
“Hey Daddy! Guess what today is?” I hear as the phone answers. “What’s up my dudes! Hmmm… Friday July 11th… what is today?” I say. “It’s zombie day!! Zombies 4 just dropped on Disney+ and we are having a zombie party tonight. We are at the grocery store now getting everything!” I feel cold sweat start to form like condensation just below my hair line and my knees feel a bit weak. “Whoooo – Hoooo. That’s what I’m talking about… what are you guys getting?” I am able to get out followed by 3 deep breaths…in and out… in and out…. in and out. “Meatballs and Sauce for BLOOD AND BRAINS AND EYE BALLS and all kinds of other foods that can be bloody zombie food.” My oldest says with so much joy. My mouth is filling with saliva… cold sweat is dripping down my forehead and below my eyes. My stomach is cramping. My vision is blurring. “Just get through the call Zach. 8 minutes left. Just make it through the call man.” We continue to discuss lovely zombie food until I hear the beep… indicating that we have 30 seconds left on our call. “Okay boys… I love you so much. Enjoy the movie and tell me all about it on Sunday… okay?” “Okay Daddy. Love you!” I hang up and turn to walk back to my room as my stomach clamps down… I think I may pass out…
One step… deep breath… one step… deep breath. Guys are talking to me… I have no concept or care of what is being said. Keep walking… deep breath. I somehow make it back to my room… which has never felt so far away. I lay down on my back and begin the process of talking to The Almighty. You know the routine… when you are still in denial mode… you know something is wrong… you know you may get sick… but you haven’t accepted this fact just yet so you tell yourself… or God… or Buddha… or whomever… “Just let it pass. Just let me lay here and relax and it will go away. Please… just let it go away.” But… it isn’t going away. I switch from my back to my side… “maybe this will work”. Nope… getting worse. I’m now in a full sweat. Mouth filling with unwanted saliva. “Please God. Don’t do it to me. Not here… not in this place… please man… please.” But… my prayers fall on deaf ears because if I don’t get up right now… I may not make it…
I’m on my feet…. I see the door handle… wait I need to put shoes on. “Hurry Zach. You need to hurry.” I get shoes on… no socks. The door is open… I look to my left… “Okay… you got about 30 feet to go. Get walking.” My feet start moving… I may not make it. “10 feet to go… just get in there”. I turn the corner to the bathroom and horror engulfs me. There are two toilet stalls in the bathroom of my range and as I enter the bathroom… I look down and see 4 feet… 2 sets of boxers and 2 pairs of shorts resting on 2 pairs of shoes. The stalls are being used. “Really God… REALLY?!” I have no time… it’s going to happen. I want to cry… “You BETTER NOT CRY!”. I have no choice… it’s coming up. I take 2 swift steps toward the large… industrial grey trash can sitting by the wall near the sinks…. I bend over… I grab ahold of the sides like I’m on a roller coaster… I slam my face into the disgusting bucket of waste and I let it rip. I find myself focusing on 3 crumbles of hot Cheetos that are resting at the bottom of a bag that are no longer red but now covered in my vomit. Round one is out of me… and here comes another… but… ohh no… no… NO…NO!!… God please don’t do me like this. Please… please NO!… but then it happens….
I sh*t.
Yup. I sh*t my pants.
In the middle of a communal bathroom… in prison… surrounded by strange hooligans that are looking at me like I am leper but also very excited to be witnessing “Hollywood” in such a state. Such a ridiculously vulnerable… mortified… horrible state. I am not only puking my guts out but I have now… sh*t my pants. And I thought I knew rock bottom…
I will spare you the remainder of the details that unfolded over the next 6 hours or so. You know… the dragging that puke filled trash can with me into the shower in order to dispose of all of my clothes and then gently asking one of the “homeboys” to go into my room and get me a change of clothes. Yup… this grown ass man… 38 years old… Father of 2… needing another grown man to fetch him fresh undies while I hide in a shower stall… butt naked… with my trash can… I’ll spare you those details.
Now… I tell you all this not to disgust you or fish for sympathy but in the hopes that whatever is happening… or may happen… in your life out there. Whatever it may be… I just hope you remember this little tale and it allows you to stop… take a breath from whatever seems to be “the worst thing ever”… and know… without a doubt… that it could always be worse. You could be me… and you’re not… and I hope that makes you smile.
So…
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Don’t eat old, canned “produce”… no matter how hungry you are and may we never forget the day that Zombies 4 dropped on Disney+.