I look out the small square window of my quarantine cell in E Unit and see a man doing the same thing across the hall from me. Staring back at me with a smile on his face… he appears to be in his late 50s or early 60s. All of the sudden… his head disappears for a second and his hand appears in the window with a friendly wave and an apparent “welcome” to my new life. This man is Jerry (not his actual name)… he was the first person that I met when I arrived at T.I…. well, at least the first person that I gave a head nod, a wave and mouthed the words, “what time is it?” to.
Once we finally got out of our quarantine cells… Jerry and I started talking and I found out that we had the same sentencing judge in our cases. SMALL WORLD! I had actually looked his case up prior to my sentencing date because it was the only other white collar case that our judge had sentenced prior to me… so I was loosely familiar with his situation. We immediately had a bond due to our shared pre-trial experience and spoke… at least briefly… every day on the yard at rec that first week when I lived in K Unit. Then when I moved to F Unit (my current “house”)… I got to my assigned room… looked next door and there he was… in the room right next to mine. Seems as though our paths had meant to be linked on this journey in some way.
Jerry and I have different “groups” that we hang out with on a daily basis but we make a point to speak at least a couple times a day about life in here, life out there and check in on each other. He is married and has 4 children (2 of them his step kids) and he loves all of them dearly. He speaks about the strength of his wife constantly and it makes me envy their relationship but also shows me that it is possible to have a bond that can weather this storm… which is extremely encouraging. He always ask me about my boys… wants an update on how they are doing and I am doing being away from them… he genuinely cares and the sincerity in his voice when he says, “Zach… how are the boys today?”, is refreshing.
I noticed about a week and a half ago that Jerry was having problems with his feet and couldn’t walk the track as much as he usually does. I found him sitting on a bench outside our unit and asked him about it and he said that his legs were swelling and probably just needed to rest and eat less salt. “Gotta cut back on those soups my boy” (soups are what the guys in here call Ramen Noodles). But after a few days, it didn’t seem to go away and he was getting increasingly less mobile so I suggested that he put a request in to go to sick call and see the doctor… just to get checked out and make sure everything is okay. He agreed and got in to see the doctor on Tuesday of this past week. I saw him come back to the unit and he said that the doc wasn’t there so he would go back the following day. Wednesday morning rolls around and he goes back in to get a physical and looked at… hopefully get some meds to stop the swelling because he became less mobile as every day passed and it was starting to become painful.
He ends up seeing the doctor that day… they run a bunch of scans on him and tell him that he needs to come back the following day (Thursday) to see the cardiologist because he wants them to take a closer look at his heart. Jerry heads back to the unit… content with the fact that he will be seeing a specialist on Thursday and figure out what is going on. At this point… he is looking pretty weak and doesn’t seem to have the spark that he usually has… I stop him in the hallway and ask him what is the latest. “Doc says he thinks I have fluid around my heart and wants me to see a cardiologist tomorrow”… he says. I ask him if he needs anything and tell him to get some rest and I would check on him later in the day. Afternoon goes by and Jerry is in and out of his room per usual… I call the boys Wednesday afternoon and he asks me how the call went and how they are. Nighttime count happens at 9:30pm every night… we all have to stand by our beds and get counted… officers walk through the unit and all is normal so count clears and I get in bed.
I wake up to use the restroom at 11:13pm… I remember looking at my watch before I got out of bed. I walk out of my room and head to the bathroom (which is about 5 feet in front of my door and to the right)… as I start walking back to my room… I pass Jerry’s room and something stops me. Something feels off. I look in and see Jerry sitting on his bed… slumped over with his head on his pillow in a very awkward position. I stand there and stare at him for 5-10 seconds and then call out his name… no answer. Again… I call out his name… no answer. I slowly walk into his room and I notice that his chest is not moving… there is absolutely no movement in his entire body… he isn’t breathing. I reach for his left hand/wrist to check his pulse and as soon as my hand touches his… I feel the coldness of his skin… I check for a pulse… I do not find one. I check his neck for a pulse…cold… nothing.
I cannot discuss the events that took place after this instance but “Jerry” passed away Wednesday night (07/06/2022) sometime between 9:35 and 11:13pm.
I do not think I have been able to actually process what happened yet. The preciousness of this life… the fragility of this life… I know I have said it time and time again but we must try to enjoy the present moment. We must try to be there… wherever “there” is… actually be there. Be with the people you love and cherish every single moment. Tomorrow is not promised. Nothing is promised. Nothing is for certain past what we are doing in this exact moment so make it count. Breathe deeply. Make that call. Tell him or her that thing. Hug them. Go on that trip. Eat the pancakes. Say I love you. Forgive. Apologize. Live. Just Live.
Mary,
If at some point you are reading this… please know that he loved you so very deeply. He talked about you every single day that I knew him… literally every single day. You were his world. I am so sorry for your loss.
I’m sorry 😞 it’s very sad to read and I’m happy to express all your feelings I wish many blessings in your life go ahead and don’t give up