I think we all know the moment. That email you need to send but just can’t get yourself to hit the button. That ridiculously hard truth you need to tell her. That goal you keep kickin’ the can on because it scares you a little and matters a lot. We want to be courageous… we want to speak up… we want to ferociously pursue the goals that make the hair stand up on our arms and our stomach’s flip. But when that moment arrives… when it’s time… THE time… we feel it… fear.
I have been thinking about fear a lot this past week… it all started with a recurring dream that I had (and have had multiple times in different iterations since I’ve ‘been down’). I have this dream… that now I recognize happens every time I am a bit stressed because some situation has happened in the unit (or is happening in the unit) right before I go to bed that puts me on edge. The dream always revolves around me having a lie that I am trying to keep under wraps… que my PTSD… and as the dream unfolds… my world becomes more and more hectic and I pile more lies on top of the first lie and I feel that heaviness that I felt for so many years prior to living behind these walls. But the heaviness is tenfold because in the dream… I know that I have also lived my previous life filled with lies so this ‘dream lie’ is a lie that I am living post being released… aka… I am doing it again. I finally wake up… sweating my ass off and breathing heavy… to find the sight of bunks… grown men snoring and broken windows… and I have never been so happy to wake up in federal prison because that means the future lie didn’t happen… it was all just a dream.
And as the day progresses post dream… I can’t help but think about how absolutely terrified I was as I woke up that morning. Almost paralyzing… in that I couldn’t get myself to think about anything but the dream and all the horrible thoughts that come with imagining for a split second that the dream could be a reality. But then I make a decision. I make a bold decision to turn that fear and dread into action because… guess what… the dream isn’t reality and it is never going to be reality. So fck that dream and lets tackle the day in such an earth shattering way that we will prove once and for all that we aren’t that piece of sht liar that we sometimes look in the mirror and see. I am going to live today in a way that emphatically proves to myself that I am no longer that person and that there is absolutely no way in hell that I would ever be that person again.
Fear as motivation… interesting.
As I began to ponder this notion… I realized that we are much more motivated to avoid pain (or fear) altogether than to pursue the positive reward that comes with motivating ourselves to work through it. I think we are inherently biased toward playing it safe and the world that we live in today certainly does not help. It is hard to face our demons… to look them in the eye… acknowledge that they are there and then destroy them. The world around us does not sell the hard road… it markets comfort as happiness. It tells us to wait until we feel ‘ready’… until fear disappears. But ‘readiness’ is a fairy tale and comfort is overrated. I genuinely believe that the key to a fulfilling life isn’t avoiding the pain associated with fear… it isn’t running from the discomfort… it’s moving ahead and through it. That is what makes us brave. It’s the choice to move despite the fear… taking steps forward with our hearts pounding and palms sweating.
But how do we learn how to do this when the world around us floods our brains and our eye balls with messaging and access to the “easy road”? For this… I thought about weight lifting. Courage isn’t something that you either have or don’t… it’s something that you build through intention and action… the same way you build strength at the gym. You do this by doing that thing that feels hard… over and over… until it no longer feels so hard. In order to build muscle… you must push beyond your limits of strength in order to “micro-tear” those muscles… and as they repair themselves… they become just a little bit stronger. And just like with each rep… every time you act courageously… your belief in your own ability expands.
When we show up in the face of fear… we prove to ourselves that we have the ability to face the hard stuff. And these small wins stack up… reinforcing our identity that we are someone capable… and resilient… and powerful. We start to feel stronger… prouder… more confident… one uncomfortable moment at a time. And then we start to believe in ourselves. But belief is only where true bravery begins… without following this belief with action… that belief is just a day dream. And this is where I think many of us get stuck. We are waiting for the fear to disappear before moving forward. But the only way to successfully get where we want to go is to act while our hands shake and stomach churns. Through this action… we prove to ourselves that we can do anything we set our minds to… morphing these day dreams into that day’s accomplishments.
And with so many of the topics that I have touched on behind these walls… once again… you need your tribe to help you through the suck. You need your people to push you to go harder… think deeper… be better… stay honest… keep moving when all you want to do is coast. Internal motivation is going to light the fire and get you going but external support is what keeps us going when life gets uncomfortable. If your tribe normalizes playing small ball… you are going to shrink to fit the mold. But surround yourself with people who chase big goals and walk through fear with their chins to the sun… and that is going to stick to you. So remember that bravery may start within you… but it gets exponentially amplified by the tribe walking beside you.
Okay… I think I just blacked out and thought I was in a Nike advertisement but one thing is for certain… I don’t feel fearful… I feel strong and clear minded and ready to tackle the day. And I hope you do as well.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Stay Honest. Stay Motivated.