Okay… so I had a day this past week… well a day in a half. One of those days when I wake up… open my eyes… feel the cold cement wall to my left and the cold metal bunk under my right arm and think to myself… “Man… I am still here. Another prison day.” Thankfully… I don’t have these days very often but when I do… I usually get up and go work out as soon as possible so that I can clear my head… orient my thoughts… listen to some good music and snap my mind back into shape for the rest of the 24. But this specific day… when I opened my eyes it was 3:37am… there was no possibility of “weight pile therapy” because I needed to head to work – so off I went. I got through the day… putting on a happy face and doing what I needed to do and got back to the unit to find that I had mail waiting for me (which is always a positive surprise) so I grabbed my mail and headed back to my room.
My mom had spent some time up with my sister, brother in law and nieces recently and sent me pictures of their time together so I happily spent the next little bit living vicariously through them through the pictures… enjoying seeing the moments and the smiles… the accomplishments and most of all…their every day lives out there. But I was overwhelmed with a sense of longing… of almost needing to remove myself from my current environment and be there with them. I needed to be playing with my nieces in their family room… I needed to be hanging in the kitchen with my brother in law and sister while we make dinner… I needed to be walking their dog “Ruth” (I really miss Ruth btw) with them as the sun sets just before we all head back to the house and get settled in for the evening… I needed to be at my niece’s school play… cheering her on and letting her know how proud of her I am… I needed to pick my younger niece up and swing her around because she just finished 2nd grade and I am equally as proud of her… I needed to see my youngest niece walk and hear her say “Hi Zachhhh” without the static of the prison phone… I needed to be with my family… but I wasn’t… and I am not. I am here… in prison… and there is absolutely nothing that I (or anyone of my loved ones) can do about that for the time being and there is no other way to put it besides that is extremely sad and really sucks for us all.
But then I did something that I NEVER would have done in the past. Instead of simply eating these emotions… burying the feelings… I reached out to my family and I talked to them about it. I told them exactly how I felt and how much I wanted to be with them… I didn’t put on the smile and give them the “everything is great” script that I used to regurgitate on a regular basis. I was honest… I was vulnerable… I wasn’t the old selfish person that felt that I didn’t need to “burden” my loved ones with how I felt because the truth is… it is extremely selfish to not allow them access to my “truth”… to how I actually feel and what I actually think. And guess what… I felt better…. I felt much better. Obviously the feeling of wanting to be out there with them didn’t just go away… it never will until I am actually out there… but I emotionally felt a weight lifted off of me the moment that I shared my feelings with them. We were able to talk about it all… how I feel… how they feel… how my brother in law “pictures me in different parts of the house” all the time… how the girls had a dance party to celebrate my niece finishing 2nd grade and how much I would have loved to be breaking it down with them… that I am not alone… and although none of us want this to be our reality… it is and we will get through it together because our bond and our love is stronger than any gate that separates us.
I got off the phone with a renewed sense of peace… of strength to move toward the next emotional hurdle that is undeniably ahead… and with so much gratitude for my family. Once again – I am learning and growing within these walls… every single day. It is the hard times and the way in which I handle them that really magnifies the different ways that the growth is being exemplified but it is there and I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to embrace it.
Here’s to tackling next week… whatever it may hold… and knowing that no matter what… I am not alone in the battle. I hope when you guys run into an emotional roadblock out there or just a hard day… you pick up the phone and reach out to a loved one… someone you can share with and work through whatever it may be together because one day… you will be on the receiving end of that phone call. And when that day comes… I believe that they want to help you today just as much as you will want to help them tomorrow. So – let them.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Don’t take one second out there for granted.