Every Thursday after work in the kitchen… I head over to Psychology for my weekly Mental Health Companion meeting. This is always one of the highlights of my week because it is yet another outlet that takes me out of this environment for an hour or so by mentally stretching me and providing an intellectual conversation with like-minded yet extremely different personalities. We start each meeting with a recap of any of the guys in here that may be struggling or new guys that just arrived that may need some help adjusting. We then transition to a topic… chosen by the psychology intern that we are working with this quarter… and a discussion about said topic. This past week was loss… sorrow and the ways in which we deal with these situations and emotions while incarcerated.
As you would expect… the conversation jumped off with the guys talking about losing someone close to them while they have been down… the challenges that they faced during this time and how they worked through it and continue to work through it. Others talked about someone that they knew/know who have lost a loved one and how they helped them get through this tough time by being there for them in one way or another within the anemic options in here to provide that support. But for some reason… as I thought about the topic of loss… I couldn’t get the notion of me (and all of us in here) being the reason for our loved ones out there to experience the feeling of loss and sorrow as opposed to guys inside experiencing the loss and sorrow themselves. It is a trippy notion… to be the person that is “gone” but not dead… we aren’t unavailable (I say it this way because we live in a gray area of being available to our loved ones but not fully) to be contacted… we aren’t unavailable to ever be seen again… but we are still gone from their every day lives. So… in some ways… it probably does feel like we are no longer here at all. And our absence is not due to some rogue accident or an illness… it is caused by our actions and decisions… it is our fault.
We have been removed from all of the “things” that we once were for our loved ones in real life. We are no longer the present parent to our kids from a physical perspective… we are no longer able to see our parents outside these gates… be there if they have an appointment or want to play tennis or grab lunch… we are no longer able to attend our niece’s school plays or soccer games… we miss our siblings birthdays and can’t be there to cook with them on the holidays… we miss nights out with our friends… we miss it all. We miss these things like we are no longer alive on this planet… but our hearts still beat and the juxtaposition of these two extremes is glaring. This physical absence from our loved ones lives’ breeds a similar feeling of loss as if someone did pass away… so how do we help them “grieve” this loss when it is certainly a loss but not a total loss and we are the sole reason for all of this hardship?? (Insert “mind blown” emoji…)
This is where my mind went during our discussion and when I brought it up within the group… it kind of stopped everyone in their tracks… including myself because what is the answer? We have been “trained” to deal with loss and sorrow when a loved one actual does die. We have been taught the steps that we should take to work through the grieving process and move on with our lives in some capacity… accepting the fact that our person is gone and they aren’t coming back. But how do we do this when our person is physically gone… but not actually gone… and hopefully will come back? I think the answer lies in communication… in honesty… in empathy… in forgiveness… in love and compassion and in re-learning how to maintain a relationship with someone in a completely different way than we have co-existed prior to the incarceration date. It is allowing space for sorrow and hard days but also not letting this sorrow overshadow the fact that us incarcerated people are not dead… we are very much alive and we must hold onto the fact that while the glass may seem pretty empty at times… there is still water in there and our perspective dictates how much we see. And of paramount importance for guys inside is to always remember that the burden lies on us khaki suits behind these walls to show up for our loved ones in the real world and allow them to “feel all the feels” and work through them. Even when these “feels” are hard for us to hear… we must never forget that we caused this loss and thankfully… the one thing we can do is help our loved ones work through it.
All in all… it was an extremely thought provoking conversation that mentally transported me outside these walls and into some college course somewhere and for that I am grateful. But more importantly… it shed new light on this journey and how everyone involved is impacted by the sentence that was imposed on me and how all of us in here must continually take that extra step to provide support and understanding for our people out there.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Try to engage in thought provoking conversations… it keeps us young.