Hellos and Goodbyes

I have been thinking a lot about the past year, the “pre-trial” year aka 2021 into early 2022… the time between me getting arrested and surrendering to Terminal Island. I have been thinking about all the changes, all the revelations, all the tears, all the truths, all the wreckage and all the lessons. I realized something after getting off the phone with my boys this past week…

We have been going through a bit of a rough patch in which my oldest son doesn’t want to talk and my youngest son is too young to hold the phone or say much besides, “Hiiii Daddy” (which melts my heart and lights my soul on fire every time I hear it). Due to this predicament, our communication lasts just about as long as their Mom can keep my oldest from playing his new game of grabbing the phone and hanging up… usually about 2 minutes max. Basically just enough to tell them that I love them and miss them… and then click. The phone system in the BOP gives us 15 minute calls but once a call ends… we have to wait 30 minutes to use the phone again. So, as soon as my little dude wins his “hang up game”… call over until later in the week.

The unpredictable nature of my “time” with my boys made me think back to our time together over the last year. The time that I always knew would come to an end at some point. That I would be taken away from the two people that I live for… that I breathe and persevere for… I would have to leave them for a certain amount of time and because of this…every moment with them was cherished that much more.

There is something strangely clarifying and cleansing about accepting an impending absence from the ones you love. I can only imagine that it is almost like the acceptance of death when you have a terminal illness. The awareness of your absence bestows profundity and clears all the bullsh*t out of the way. The seeming finality, until we our on the other side of it, makes every moment feel infinitely significant. Every “Hello Buddy”, every hug, every wrestle… every moment… felt like an absolute gift. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude every time that I got to be with my boys. Even the excruciatingly hard times, toward the end of the year… when I knew it was getting close… every goodbye was complete because I was saying “goodbye” with the full knowledge that this might be our last… together in this way… for a long time. Every laugh, every story takes on weight and meaning in that simple fact. The fact that this is all going to be taken away… the unavoidable physical separation from my boys transformed the mundane into the magical.

All of our “Hellos” and “Goodbyes” should be this way in our everyday lives… because the reality is tomorrow is not promised. I want to start embracing every hello with gratitude and to never take a goodbye for granted. I want to take the level of devoted focus, honesty and compassion that my boys and I shared over the year that I knew had an expiration date and make it my aspirational model for all meaningful connections in my life.

Whether my calls now are 2 minutes or the full 15… I will cherish every second and be grateful that their Mom answers the phone, I get to hear their voices and they hear that their Dad loves them. Because he does… very much. And one day I will be able to take this same grateful, energized love and shower them both in it… in person. Embarrassing them for years and years to come.

Once again… it’s all about perspective. Allow yourself a moment to analyze your perspective on any situation and you just might be able to shift it enough to turn your day around.