FOUR

Interesting revelation over here this week. So… it is my youngest son’s birthday next Tuesday and this has historically been a really hard time for me throughout this journey. I was arrested 17 days before his 1st birthday and then have lived behind these walls for every birthday since then… which has understandably weighed extremely heavy on my heart every year. As April approached this year… I braced myself for the usual cloud that creeps over my head and begins to rain on me for a month or so but this year has been different. Instead of the sorrow that I have felt in the past… I feel more excited and celebratory. It honestly has forced me to check in with myself on multiple occasions just to make sure that my feelings are genuine and not some sort of mask that I am putting on. But… I am pleased to say that they are real. I am excited for him… I am so unbelievably proud of the boy that he is growing into and all that he has handled and continues to handle on a daily basis at such a young age. His life is filled with joy and love and adventure… and it goes without saying that I would do absolutely anything to be out there with him… but that is not reality so in reality… I’m choosing to join him in his happiness as opposed to dwell in the rain.

I have been thinking about ways to connect with him for his birthday… always a hard task for us parents behind the gates… and I came up with the idea of sending his Mom an amount of money and then telling him on the phone that I sent it and that he gets to go on a special birthday trip to the store in order to pick out any present that he wants. Obviously this little plan relies heavily on having someone out there that can facilitate this trip but thankfully his Mom agreed and the plan was a go. He was beyond excited when I told him on the phone… it filled my heart… and I told him that once he picked out his present… we would talk about what he found on our next call and I wanted to hear about every detail. “Okay Daddy!!” And off he went.

On our next phone call… I could hear his excitement from the moment he answered the phone. “Daddy! I got my birthday present! It’s a King Kong toy and a Godzilla Toy. And Godzilla has spikes on his tail and King Kong is all black. And Godzilla can shoot ice out of his mouth and King Kong doesn’t have any powers and… and… and”. It was incredible. He wanted to tell me every single detail… and to my enjoyment… he did. We talked for the full 15 minutes and it felt as close as it could feel (given the circumstances) to me being there with my little guy for his birthday. He understood that the gift was from me… that even though I couldn’t be there in person with him… I wanted him to feel loved and celebrated on his birthday… and I think we accomplished that.

I plan to call him on Tuesday and hopefully express to him how much I love him… how much I cherish him and how proud that I am to be his Dad. To tell him that I wish nothing more than a year filled with laughter… joy… adventure… all the dinosaurs a 4 year old can handle…challenges… excitement… race cars… surprises… love… happiness… safety… comfort and growth. And that his Dad misses him beyond words but loves him even more. Tell him that I cannot wait for the birthday that we can be together… in person… again but until then… Godzilla and King Kong it is.

For all the parents behind the gates… make the effort. It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant it may seem to you… I promise you… it isn’t to them. We took their Daddy away from them on their birthday and it is our responsibility to do every single thing in our power to connect with them as much as possible until we can scoop them up into our arms and never let them go.

Stay Healthy. Stay Active.

Happy Birthday Buddy… I love you to the moon and back a bazillion times over.