I want to write this week in the hope that there is a Dad out there… sitting in his house… wrecked with nerves… embarrassment… disappointment… anxiety… consumed with the coulda – woulda – shoulda’s of his past actions… shaking his head because he can’t get the questions to stop firing through his brain… “How am I going to do this? How am I going to be a Dad to my kids while I am in prison? How am I going to teach them all of the lessons that I want to teach them? How will they know I love them and never stop thinking about them? How will they know that their Dad didn’t abandon them? How the F*ck am I going to do this?” Well Dad… I got good news and I got bad news…
Good news – I was you and some of the time… still am… I know exactly what you are going through and I am here to tell you that there is a path forward. The path is the hardest one that you have ever (and probably will ever) trek down but the path is there… if you are willing to walk it. The bad news… there is no playbook for this thing… there is no procedure for parenting from prison and you are about to enter a system that makes it extremely difficult to maintain connections but just as you will learn once you walk through those gates and immediately flip your entire world upside down – you (and only you) have the ability to work through the red tape and maintain those relationships. You have the ability to nourish that connection with the ones that matter most out there… and I promise you – no matter how difficult… stressful… excruciatingly hard it is going to be for you…it is harder for them and the effort is without a single doubt worth it.
Case and point…Pre-K graduation. I experienced a “milestone” of sorts this past week with my oldest son that I believe encapsulates the notion that maintaining a connection with your kids… that genuinely being a parent… is still possible even though we cannot physically be with them during this journey. I call my boys twice a week (at the request of their Mom – trust me… I would love to call them every day but all part of the process) and most weeks… it is an uphill climb trying to get two boys under the age of 6 to actually want to talk to their Dad on the phone… Lets get real – “What do you mean we can’t facetime?!”. But that doesn’t stop me from doing everything that I can… week in and week out… to continually attempt to connect with them. Ask them about school… friends… shows they are watching… YouTube videos that they like… new board games they are playing… songs they are listening to… foods they are liking or trying… what type of ice cream are they currently craving… knock knock jokes… “guess what I am thinking” games… “remember when…” conversations… “Ask me a question” games… “Let’s talk about what we want in the future”… anything and everything to get them talking and bonding. But this week… on my second call of the week… that thing happened that keeps us Dad’s going… keeps us maintaining that steadfast determination… through all the hard times… the phone answers and my oldest son immediately goes.. “Daddy! Guess what?!” (heart melts instantly… smile appears on face) “What’s up buddy??” “I am in the car right now with Mommy and my brother and we are going to my graduation!” He is graduating from Pre-K and will start kindergarten in the Fall at a new school… so this is a big milestone! I was so unbelievably happy… first and foremost… for him… so proud of him… so overwhelmed with emotions that my little guy is persevering… he is tackling life the best he can in a much more difficult world than he deserves but he is doing it. And then… so grateful for his Mom for creating an environment for him to experience this sense of accomplishment and joy independent of all the massive hurdles that they are facing due to my decisions and actions… and he wants to tell his Daddy about it all. Man – these are the moments. “Oh my Gosh Buddy… that is incredible… I am so proud of you. How are you feeling?”. He goes on to tell me that he is a bit nervous because he will need to walk in front of everyone but he wanted me to know about “his big night” and that he gets to have cupcakes and “maybe ice cream” afterward. He showed vulnerability… he gave me that reinforcement that he wants me to know what is going on in his life… he knows that I care… that although I cannot be at his graduation… I want nothing more than to know every single detail of it and that his Dad is proud of him… loves him… genuinely cares about his life and always will. Small victories… small hills that we are climbing together…. always together… until we reach the top of that last hill and we can actually be together.
I share this because I know where you are… I know what keeps you up at night and continually mentally pre-occupied during the day… I know your fears… your sorrows and your anxiety about the future of the unknown. I know the mental gymnastics you are playing… doing the calculations over and over in your head about how old they will be when you get out… what grade they will be in… trying to convince yourself that you will miss some of it but will be back for the “important” years. And I am here to tell you that it is all true… unfortunately for some of it… fortunately for the rest but everything you are feeling right now is real. It is currently and will continue to be very… very… hard but we put them in this position and the least that we can do for them now is to never give up on them. Always make certain that they know we love them and care about them and everything they are doing out there. Do everything in your power to never miss a phone call… never turn down an opportunity to hear their voice and let them hear yours. Be the best Dad that you can be with the cards that you are dealt and cherish the small “prison parenting” victories when they come. And believe that although the relationship will never be what it “could have been”… it can still be an unwavering bond that will provide a foundation for an incredible relationship because you got through it… together.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active.
Know that the fears are real but you have the power to write your own narrative.
So start writing…