Today is one of those days… when I wake up and cannot believe that I am here. I cannot believe that I haven’t hugged or even seen my boys faces in over three months. Today is Father’s Day… and today is really hard.
I can close my eyes and vividly picture me and my boys… wearing our matching “Saturdays Are For The Boys” blue tee-shirts (these were my oldest son’s favorite shirts)… running around and playing in the backyard of our house. I can hear the laughter and feel their little hands in mine. And then I open my eyes and I am in prison. I am not with them. And honestly, the reality is… I was only partially with them in the backyard that day as well. I desperately wanted to be present… in that moment… in every moment but the world that I created and the mental warfare that I was waging on myself prevented it.
So, in some regards, I am thankful for the pain I feel today. For the longing to be with my boys. For the insatiable thirst for my “normal” life back with them in my arms and by my side. I am thankful because these painful realities remind me of my job while I am away. They remind me of my purpose and debt to them… that I must spend every waking moment bettering myself through enriching growth and positive action. Through internal discovery and service to others. The anguish forces me to remember and be conscious of my actions, my thoughts, my decisions… and it solidifies my desire to be the Dad and Man that I have always known that I am but that my actions did not always reflect.
As I look around the campus today… I see so many Fathers… and none of their kids. It is unbelievably sad. There are almost a thousand men at Terminal Island… a large percentage of us have children (small or grown) and only the select few guys with visits will get to see their kid’s faces today. We have stripped our children of the experience of being with Dad on Father’s Day and that is heartbreaking in every imaginable way.
But I will take this heartbreak and continue to use it as fuel to my burning engine that drives me toward the other side of this journey… the side that will reunite me with my boys and allow me to be the version of myself that they deserve their Dad to be.
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I love you boys.
I miss you dearly… today and everyday.
One day at a time until we are making memories together again.