There are a handful of “events” when living behind these walls that re-make the table… that turn the page to the next chapter of the journey. Your Bunkie going home… especially a Bunkie that you have been going through this madness with for years… is one of those events and one that I was able to experience first hand this past week. Now… first and foremost… I could not be happier for him… for his family… he did his time the right way and it makes me unbelievably ecstatic that this part of the journey is now behind him. Having the opportunity to witness the end of said journey so intimately over the past couple weeks has been something that I will hold onto for the rest of my time in here. Until that time too comes to an end and I am the one walking out the door. Thinking about him out there… able to contact and be with his kids (and them contact and be with him) whenever he wants… wearing normal clothes… drinking normal coffee… walking into a gym… breathing free air… actually being able to take a deep breath and release that tension that has rode his shoulders for almost a decade…ahhh it must feel unbelievably incredible.
I had anticipated most of the feelings and logistical shifts that took place over the past week prior to his release but what I didn’t anticipate was how much it would impact pretty much every facet of life in here. I know this may sound extreme but as I have been thinking about a comparison to what has been taking place… I really cannot compare it to anything besides someone passing away that was intimately associated with your life. I know… I know… this sounds insane but stick with me. Living behind these walls really cannot be compared to anything in the real world but if we were going to try… lets imagine you live in a room the size of a bathroom with a stranger. You and this stranger are locked in the bathroom and told that for the next… 4 years lets say…. you guys will be sleeping in a bunk bed in that room… you will be eating together… working out together… dealing with any issues that inevitably come up in this new strange world you both inhabit now together… talking about life and kids and time and regrets and hopes and dreams and fears and wishes together… you will laugh together… you will be each others person for whatever that may entail… you got his 6 and he has yours and you are going to make it through this thing… together. And eventually… this stranger no longer is a stranger at all but someone you know intimately because you guys are physically and emotionally linked… whether you like it not…. all day… every day for years. This type of relationship can only be associated with a loved one and even that is a bit of stretch because if you spent this much time with a loved one by choice… well… lets just say one or both of you may need a little vaca. And then… one day… your person is gone. And just like when someone passes away… you cannot call this person… you don’t hear about them or how they are doing… they were just here one day and gone the next and that emptiness is something that I did not expect.
I didn’t think about the repetitive nature of our lives in here and by removing a piece of the puzzle… the whole program just feels ‘off’. We do the same thing at the same time in the same way… every single day. So… when you have spent years waking up at a certain time and expecting your environment to be a certain way and it now is not or seeing someone in the same spot (usually standing the same way)… at the same time… every single day and then one day… he just isn’t there. It is jarring… it makes you feel strange and out of place. It gives you that sensation of reaching into your pocket to call or text that one person because that one thing just happened that only you guys would understand to be met with the realization that the person isn’t around anymore. You are stopped in your tracks and especially in this situation… I just keep finding myself thinking… “It is so crazy that we are here… day in and day out… and then one day… we just aren’t”. I guess… in a way… that is life though… isn’t it?
That all being said… there is something simultaneously invigorating about the ‘loss’. Due to the comfort of the expected being abruptly removed from life… there has been a reset of sorts taking place over the past week. Like the next phase of the social experiment that I call life these days has begun. And because of this shift… it feels like something tangible has taken place allowing me to see that I am one “chapter” closer to no longer living behind these walls. One step closer to being out there with my boys and my tribe once again. One day closer to living the way that I day dream about living. It feels as though I passed a mile marker on the marathon that I am running… showing me that I am making progress. And progress is a win when you’re living life “one day at a time”.
So… I will embrace the new normal around here… keep running toward that next mile marker and hold onto the immense gratitude that I was able to witness a genuinely solid dude make it out of this darkness with his health… his mind… his family and his dreams intact.
One ‘homeboys’ release closer… one day closer… one “wake up” closer… to it being my time.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Enjoy every second.