I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my boys this week. I mean… I always am thinking about them but these past 5 days… I couldn’t turn my brain off. I want to be with them… I want to hear their voices in person and see their faces… I want to be able to interact with them in the way that a Dad should be interacting with his kids. I want them to be able to show me the things that they tell me about over the phone. I want to take them to get ice cream and burgers and run around with them at the park. I want to drop them off at school and talk about what we are going to do over the weekend. I want to cook them dinner and try to convince them to eat new types of food. I want to remind them to say ‘Thank You’ and ‘Please’ and ‘Open the door for people’ and ‘Be nice to your Mom’. I want to go watch movies with them and then talk about what we saw afterward. I want to help them learn how to read and ride their bikes and throw a baseball and shoot a free throw and throw a punch. I want to dance with them in the kitchen and sing at the top of our lungs in the car. I want to be with them… in person… for whatever they need or want… I want to be their Dad in physical form… every day… all the time… period. But… you know the reality as much as I do… and so do they. Man… the price of my decisions and actions… this lesson is excruciatingly painful.
But… as the week rolled into the weekend… I swallowed this fireball of reality and knew that I needed to get my mind right so figured I would start that process by renting a movie on my tablet and focus this mental energy on the screen… disappearing into art for a couple hours. Due to the fact that we are not “allowed” to watch rated R movies in here… you know… we may get some nefarious ideas if we hear too many 4 letter words or something… most of our selection revolves around Marvel and DC films which are not my cup of tea. But every once in a way… a non super hero movie pops up and I jump at the opportunity to watch it. On this particular evening… the cover of my selection depicted a young boy wearing swimming goggles and holding a flashlight while sitting under what looked to be a bed sheet… titled “Midnight Special”. “Not sure what we are getting into here…” I thought to myself but went for it. I was pleasantly surprised. The film was heartbreaking and beautiful in the simplest of ways. That young boy on the cover was an 8 year old who was born with “powers” that are not specified but clearly nothing any of us normal humans possess. The film follows the journey of the boy’s Dad attempting to keep him safe from the government who is hell bent on kidnapping and studying him. The boy and his Dad are trying to get to a specific location… the significance of said location is unknown until the end of the movie. Spoiler alert… we find out that the boy is not from this planet and the location that he must be brought to will allow him to travel back to the planet that he is from to be reunited with his tribe.
Now… on the nose… the film sounds like a sci-fi road trip movie but it was much more than that… at least to me. It was about a father and a son and the lengths that us Dads will go in order to protect our children. It was about the unbelievable love that we have for our kids and that our kids have for us and sometimes… this love forces us to do incredibly difficult things that are going to hurt our hearts but that we know is the right thing to do. It was about trust and belonging and accepting each other for who we are… not who we think we should be. It was about holding on but knowing when letting go is the only thing that is going to give our kids what they really need. It was about family and how the image that word initially projects in our brains is not the reality of what the word actually means. It was about purpose… especially a Dad’s purpose… and it hit home in such a profound way for me.
The film ended just before lights out in here and I found myself laying in bed… deep in thought about my own relationship and journey with my boys. I started thinking about how different my 2 boys are from one another and how beautiful that is. And how my job as their Dad is not to push them in any direction that would influence what kind of child they are or would become. But instead my job is to provide as much love… safe emotional space… stability and guidance in which they can flourish into their own unique brand of child. My job is not to shape their minds but more so to let those minds explore the possibilities that their world allows. It isn’t to tell them how to play or what to play… it is just to show up in whatever way that I can and enjoy the show.
I drifted off to sleep… my mind out there with those two boys and I woke up the next morning feeling a sense of clarity. Clarity in the fact that I am going to miss my boys…miss being a ridiculous understatement. But what really matters is that they are thriving… and experiencing… and growing… and loving… and being loved… and learning… and falling… and dancing… and laughing… and everything in between. And most importantly… they are comfortable doing it in their own unique way. I think we can all relate to wanting the most for our kids or loved ones… sometimes so much that we attempt to influence their life to fit the mold that we see for them. But it is when we allow them their own space to create and shape their own mold… that we are able to witness the super hero that lies within them. We just must try to be present enough to not miss the magic.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Persevere… they are worth it.