Control. The elusive notion that we all seem to try to grasp and implement into our lives at every little facet but the thing that seems to evade our grasp at every turn. And behind these walls… just forget about it. I have been struggling the past couple weeks with my lack of “control” as it relates to my boys. I just miss them beyond comprehension and have been wracking my brain day in and day out for ways to further connect with them… to be able to show them how much I think about them… how much I want to know every single detail of their lives… I want to see their faces… I want to be able to talk to them… really talk to them. But the reality is… there are no video visits here at T.I. yet… there are no contact visits yet (although they are close!) so the only option that I have to connect is through our twice a week… 15 minute max… phone calls (which I cherish but can be hard for both sides). Simple truth…I have no control over any of this… I have no control over what is happening on the other side of that phone call because it isn’t like on the outside when you can text someone and ask, “Is this a good time to call?”… I just call at my “designated” time and hope for the best… I want to connect and talk and listen and learn but it’s easier said than done at times…
I was talking about my recent struggle with “prison parenting” with one of my homeboys in here and he started telling me about about how he has been facing the same struggles. His daughter is about to be 20 years old and started nursing school at the beginning of the year. But she dropped out recently because she couldn’t afford to pay for the books required for her classes and didn’t want to burden him by asking for help or making it seem like she was struggling out there while he was in here. This broke his heart for many reasons but he had an overwhelming sense of frustration due to his lack of control in his life and his inability to be there for his daughter when she needed him. We started talking about different financial aid options and ways in which he can guide her in the right direction to try to get help out there and hopefully start classes again in the Fall. Feeling empowered with a plan… he called her and after a good tear filled father-daughter call… they both got off the phone with a sense of connection and direction to get her back into class and to make sure that she feels comfortable coming to him with ANYTHING in the future. In a tiny way (which is all we can ask for in here) “Prison Parenting” success exemplified.
Seeing him get off the phone with his daughter… eyes red due to the tears but behind those eyes was clear “Dad Love”… I immediately became determined to figure out ways to connect with my boys… take whatever control that I do have and find ways to continue to grow our relationships… show them how much I love them… how much I cherish our bond even if that bond is going to look different for the time being… it doesn’t mean that it has to diminish in any way. I must carry the torch… I must push the constraints of communication in here because I am the reason that their Dad is not at home with them… not able to simply walk into their rooms and answer their questions… not able to start wrestling matches in bed… not able to wake them up early and surprise them with a morning adventure that ends with a stack of pancakes and chocolate milk… I must find ways to make them feel loved and special with the resources that I do have rather than concern myself with all of the things that I am lacking. Because guess what… this is the reality that I find myself in so I need to let go of the “coulda… woulda… shoulda’s” and start working in the present moment of reality.
Although I am not “kneeling” here (no chairs for the computers still) with any concrete answers as to how I am going to start solving my “prison parenting” dilemma… I am here with a clear mind and a focus that will propel me toward answers… toward ideas that may turn into temporary solutions. As with everything… it will be a constant work in progress… continually progressing but as long as we are moving forward… we are winning.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Control what you can. Let go of the rest. And Always… Try To Make Someone Smile.