I promised myself when I started writing weekly that if I was going to write… I was going to be authentic… I was going to be raw… I was going to be unfiltered (unless it would negatively impact my life in here) and I was going to be honest. And if I am being honest… this week was pretty frustrating. It was eye opening and it reminded me that no matter how comfortable I feel at times while behind these walls… I am in prison… I am in a hostile environment and I must always remember that. Let me explain…
As I have written about… I recently became head chef in the OM here because the #1 left last week. This has come with many positives… lit a creative fire inside me that I did not know could or would exist in here and for that I am unbelievably grateful. But this past week… I have begun to see the underbelly of an opportunity like this… I have started to see that… just like in the real world… with access… with “currency”… with a higher position… comes others wanting to have their piece of the “promotion”. And when you can’t or won’t bend in order to fulfill their wants and needs… this whole “homeboy” “bromance” in here… quickly (very quickly) goes out the window. I have always had the overall mindset… since day 1 of getting here… that my entire program revolves around staying under the radar… doing my thing… focusing on the aspects of life that I can control and that are important to me… ultimately “doing me” and ignoring/staying as far away as possible from the rest of the “stuff”.
That being said… my overall approach to life has not and will not change. But because of this stance… I am now seeing that (just as in life outside these walls)… the moment that you can no longer provide whatever it is that someone else wants from you…
And pivot.
As you can see… the above thought is not complete… and that is because my 15 minutes ran out while writing so I took a break and went outside to work out and then came back later to finish writing. But while I was mid-work out… a grueling push up… pull up… roman chair… “landmine” (it’s a good one) circuit… I had a moment (well many moments) of introspection. And instead of deleting the above… I think in sticking with my previous “honesty” statement… I figured I would keep what I originally planned on writing and share how my thoughts evolved in real time…
So… out there on the weight pile…I realized that my issues this past week and the issues that I wrote about above are not the real issue/s. The real issue/s is/are my own personal… internal issue/s… I had been focusing so much on “them” and everything that “they” were doing that I don’t agree with and that frustrated me that I missed the reality that the real problem is a “me” problem. The real problem is the fact that I am and have always been hell bent on people pleasing… on making everything work for everyone… independent of the consequences. And this “need” is almost like an addiction for me. It is something that I constantly have to be conscious of and fight against… because if I don’t… I will fall right back into my old ways. This is exactly what had been happening this week that completely threw me out of sorts… I was anxious… I was uneasy… I was avoidant. And I blamed this behavior on what “they” were doing until I realized today that all my emotions had very little to do with them. They had to do with my instinctual reaction to how I deal (or used to deal) with situations like this. To just do whatever it is that I need to do in order to please the person in front of me and move on from the uncomfortable situation as fast as possible… only to deal with the real ramifications later. But I am no longer that guy… I refuse to be that guy and that is not how I am going to deal with life anymore.
I know where my boundaries lie and I fully intend to plant those stakes in the ground and keep them there because that is the right decision for me and that (in this instance) is all that matters. And just like that… I feel better. I have to remember to always check myself before assuming the issue or stress is external… I have been and will continue to work on so many aspects of my personality that landed me behind these walls and I have to be conscious of the fact that is a forever journey to better myself. The easy thing to do is blame others… but doing so rarely gets us to the core of the issue. Lesson learned…
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Go work out… you never know what will come to you.