Well… let’s just say the last 3 weeks have been unique to say the least. I have to begin with the week of September 16th… my oldest son’s 5th birthday. I could feel myself starting to get extremely anxious the week before his birthday week… all of the thoughts that I have tried to control and manage over the past 6+ months came flooding back with a vengeance… day in and day out. The “punishment” that I have inflicted on him by taking his Dad away for all of his moments but especially spotlighted in moments such as his birthday makes my heart feel anemic… as if no matter what I do… who I talk to… what I read… how many times I work out… even when I talk to him on the phone… there is an emptiness… a deep and profound sadness that would not dissipate.
Then it came to the week of his birthday and I attempted to force myself to concentrate on the fact that in this exact moment… in his present 5 year old life… he is happy… he is safe… he is surrounded by so much love and I (selfishly) would like to think that he wishes his Dad were there by his side but let’s be honest…Spider Man (as he told me… the ACTUAL Spiderman) came to his birthday party so maybe Dad took a back seat for a bit. And I am completely okay with that. I am learning each day that with rain comes sunshine… with heartache comes happy tears… with anxiety comes relief and with life… we can only make the most out of what our circumstances present us. I will never be able to make up for these moment in my boy’s life that I am missing… and will continue to miss. But I damn sure will be as present as I can possibly be while I am on the inside… not only day dreaming about the day that I am out and can be with them but actually LIVING every day until then to better myself until that day is realized.
You are and will always be my superhero buddy… I love you with every ounce of my being.
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And now we venture to the Sunday after my son’s birthday… that fateful Sunday morning that started so positively and joyously. I wake up at 5:15am and start getting ready for an early Sunday morning back workout so that I get it out of the way and can focus all of my energy on a nice T.I version of NFL Sunday. I get out to the weight pile around 6:15am and my workout partner and I begin a grueling hour and a half circuit. Feeling fully satisfied and ready for the day… I run into the recreation building to check the computer real quick and then head back to the unit to shower…
As I step into the unit… I realize that things are not as they should be at 8am on a Sunday morning… usually calm, quiet and peaceful but not today… today the energy as soon as I walked in the door is off and immediately I know that our unit is being “hit” aka a thorough inspection is taking place by multiple officers. Although this is a minor annoyance because I will not be able to shower, eat or get ready until the inspection is cleared… I have zero concerns that I personally will be impacted by the inspection. Well… as I am sure you can guess… I was flat wrong. I cannot discuss the specifics of my “infraction” but the unit officer decided that what he found in my possession was against a Terminal Island policy and because of this… I needed to immediately change into my khakis and he was going to escort me to the Lieutenant’s office to discuss the matter further. This is NOT a situation that you want to find yourself in… ever. I try very hard to run a clean program that allows me to do what I want/need to do on a daily basis and never have more than the bare minimum amount of interaction with officers. Today… that is about to change.
The discussion in the LT’s office does not go my way… it goes very much in the opposite direction and just like that… around 10am on Sunday morning… right when I had planned to be sitting down with a coffee and some oatmeal… I am cuffed and escorted to the SHU (special housing unit) aka “The Hole”. F*CK.
The hole is exactly what you are imagining right now… maybe a little worse. It is the jail inside the jail. Absolutely no airflow… no windows… no clocks… nothing to provide you with a moment of mental comfort. It is designed as punishment and to isolate guys who are a danger to the rest of the community here… so they design it to accommodate their specific clientele. Not sure how I found myself fitting into that description but here I am. The day to day is extremely easy to explain because absolutely nothing happens… you are locked in your windowless cell for 23 1/2 hours per day… the 1/2 hour outside of your cell time is what they call “rec”… you are cuffed and escorted out to a steel and barbwire cage (think a single car garage) and you can walk in circles for 30 minutes until they escort you back into your cell. But… the sunshine hits your face and you are allowed to breathe fresh air so those 30 minutes are by far the highlight of the day. No rec on the weekends.
Now for the positive within the negative… I am out of the SHU… I am able to write and call my family, friends and boys… walk the track… workout… and do all of the things that bring me peace within the madness. The whole situation is behind me and just as I stated in a previous blog… all the good times and all the bad times will eventually come to an end… “this too shall pass”. My vision and thinking has sharpened… I have remembered that I am in an environment that I cannot get comfortable in and I damn sure will never be going to the hole again…ever.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active.
Time to actually watch that football…