Christmas music is playing throughout the ranges of the units and at work… the lobby is decorated with festive wrapping paper and a nice (well… nice-ish) little Christmas tree sits glowingly by the front door. The mood is festive and warm and here I am… embracing another holiday season in prison. It is still a bit mind-bending when I stop and think about my reality… I don’t think it will ever fully register until I am on the other side and can look back at the experience in its totality. But for now… I am planted firmly behind these gates and I choose to embrace the positives while deeply feeling every bit of the obvious negatives but focusing on those Christmas tunes to drown out the blues.
As I thought about the week behind and the week ahead… two distinct conversation came to mind over the past few days. The first… immediately made me want to express how much I hope everyone out there is embracing and appreciating every moment of having the ability to spend this time with your loved ones… with your children… with your friends… with your ‘tribe’. I had a guy who recently self surrendered approach me to discuss the blog and I left our conversation wanting to reach others who may be reading this right now… that are on the brink of walking through these gates and changing your life for the rest of your days. I want you to do everything in your power to quiet the screaming voice in your head and cherish these moments in the real world with your loved ones. Everything that is about to happen in your life is going to happen whether you spend these days consumed with stress or not. So please… hug them… talk to them… be present with them… you will be so grateful for the memories this time next year. The ability you have right now to spend these magical moments with your people…man… it is such an unbelievable gift.
On the opposite side of the spectrum….I was having another conversation with a ‘homeboy’ on Friday afternoon… talking about how this will be his last Christmas “locked up” and how he can’t stop day dreaming about this time next year. About being at home with his kids and his wife… about not being able to sleep on Christmas eve because he will be overwhelmed by the joy of knowing that tomorrow morning will finally bring the moment that he has been dreaming about for the past 11+ years to fruition. I am so unbelievably happy for him but as I was “listening” to him… I have to be honest… most of my attention was in my own head. I was day dreaming about the Holiday season when I will be back out there with my boys and my family. I could see my boys faces as they ran into my room in the early morning. I could feel the weight of them jumping on me and hear their voices telling me to wake up so that we can go see what Santa brought. I can see my family in different parts of the house… playing… cooking… talking… smiling and laughing… ahhh the energy of the holidays. And as I drifted deeper into my own day dream… and the sound of his voice drifting off like the teacher is Charlie Brown… I was snapped back to reality by a single line in a song that happened to be playing in the background of my room…
“I’ll be home for Christmas…
If Only…
In…
My…
Dreams…”
I just shook my head and smiled… hoping my boys and my tribe know that I am out there with them… home for Christmas… if only in my dreams… for now.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Enjoy every single magical moment.
Happy Holidays to everyone out there… I am so grateful for all of you!