Let me take you back to last Sunday… “Oscar Sunday”. Now… the perspective that I am able to ‘unpack’ writing this today is one that I certainly could not have articulated or grasped at the beginning of the journey… which I guess… is part of the journey itself. But lets not get ahead of ourselves… The Oscars…
I had been looking forward to watching the show the entire week leading up to Sunday late afternoon. And as I sat down in my chair just before 4pm… coffee in hand… ready to lose myself in the glitz and glam of the film industry for the next 3 hours… I had a realization. This is the third Oscars that I have watched behind these gates. And… as happens often when I have an “epiphany” of sorts in here… I can’t help but dig a bit deeper into the experience at hand.
I began recounting my Oscar Journey of years past…
Year one. I was still fully entrenched in the bullsh*t of it all. I was still lying to myself… trying to make myself believe that I was presently (or ever was) a part of what is unfolding on the screen in front of me. That I had some genuine connection to the people up there or the films being shown… that I had an inside scoop as it relates to what was happening across town that the other guys in here watching it with me were not privy to. I was part of the ‘In’ group and this was ‘my’ night in the way that a retired athlete watches his or her sport and feels a deep connection to what is going on on the field or court. I was still sinking in the quicksand… gasping for air but being suffocated by my lies.
Year 2. By this time I had done enough “work” to know that I never was a part of the group that is walking that red carpet and sitting in that theatre waiting to receive those awards for the work that they had done over the past couple years. I had the understanding that I did a lot of pretending and lying to make myself believe that I was in some way in ‘the band’ but now fully understanding that pretending was all it ever was… and I was ready to recognize that fact. But… even with this new found sense of clarity… there was still a part of me that would forget at times during the show. I would find myself staring at the screen but lost in some fantasy world within my own head about what could have been or should have been had I made different choices. I knew where I laid my head down at night but some piece of my psyche wouldn’t let go of the fantasy.
This year. I simply…genuinely and happily watched the show for what it was. I watched to experience the magic of the film industry… I watched to see and judge what everyone was wearing… I watched to feel the excitement of the winners… I watched for the creative energy… for the escapism… for the joy of the movies. I watched from the audience with no qualms or falsities about the fact that I am (and always have been) very much a part of the audience and not the show… and I am cool with that. Realizing this fact actually allowed me to enjoy all the “watching” that much more.
As the show ended and I was about to get up and go back to the room to read because 3.5+ hours of TV watching has far exceeded my personal limit… I see that they are going to show a 30 minute preview of American Idol. I love American Idol… especially the beginning of each season when the artists are auditioning. There is something about the ‘raw-ness’ of that first audition that absolutely captivates me. So… 30 more minutes it is. Each artist that they previewed was incredible in their own unique way but then he came onto the screen. A guy walked into the audition room and told the judges that he was going to be singing an original… he took a deep breathe… looked down at his guitar and started singing. His voice was beautiful and soulful and as he arrived at the chorus of his song… he sang…
“I don’t want to lose you… to find me.”
I was immediately stuck on that line. I began repeating it in my own head… “I don’t want to lose you to find me… I don’t want to lose you to find me.” It hit home in such a profound way. I did have to lose her to find me. I did have to lose so much time with them to find me. I had to lose out on these crucial developmental years with my boys to find me. I had to lose out on being there for those beautiful girls to find me. I lost so many and so much in the pursuit of finding me. It is a devastatingly hard reality pill to swallow… but it is the truth.
I realized that this duality is the beautifully heartbreaking result that is produced through the journey of life. We will need to let go of aspects of ourselves that hold us back to find out who we are. But we will also lose aspects of ourselves and our lives that we love and cherish in the pursuit of finding our true self. This journey and “shedding of our skin” will look extremely different for every single one of us. Some will not even realize it is happening until much later in life when we look back and remember the things we used to do… the people we used to it with and how those things and people naturally changed over time. Others…. like myself… will be smacked in the face by this shedding process because we make decisions that catapult us out of our lives in a way that is impossible to ignore. Different journeys… same result. As we grow and learn and experience…. as we screw up and grow up and glow up… as we laugh and cry and mentor and debate… we are continually shedding a layer of ‘dead’ skin to uncover a more present and “current” version of our true selves.
For me… I had to be yanked out of all of my lies and fantasies to find myself. The ‘beautiful’ of the journey. But I also had to lose people that I love and time with my boys… my family… my friends and life itself to find myself. The heartbreaking of the journey. But necessary change is not easy and there is no road map to follow in order to get from point A to point B… you just have to start walking.
So I will continue walking… knowing that I will stumble along the way but also knowing that it isn’t about getting to point B unscathed… it is about the walk itself.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Start Walking.