Well… I seem to have flowed into a new phase of this thing… a transition phase. I am finding myself in the part of the journey where I am seeing a lot of the guys that I have developed relationships with over the past year+ getting ready to go home. This is such an interesting “phenomenon” on multiple levels… both from my perspective and theirs but with the First Step Act starting to actually come to fruition… guys that thought they would be leaving multiple years from now… are getting informed that they are (in some cases) weeks away. I am starting to hear phrases like… “I have 21 days and a wake up” (which is prison lingo for they have 21 nights and then they are being released on the 22nd morning)… more and more frequently all over the place in here.
From my perspective… there are two very distinct sides of the coin in terms of how the “news” impacts me emotionally. First and foremost… it provides this overwhelming sense of peace and relief because I see that guys get out… the journey ends… all of them have been in my exact shoes… looking down the barrel of multiple years ahead and now they are there… they are at the finish line… making plans for life outside these walls. And that is absolutely incredible to witness first hand. Then the other side of the coin drops and I feel that pain… that “heart hurt”… that feeling of wanting something so bad but not being able to have it. I can’t help but start day dreaming about the day that my number gets called…my day of freedom rolls around. Imagining being able to call my boys… my loved ones… and tell them that we did it… that it is almost over and that I will be able to hug them outside these walls in a matter of days. Man… that is going to be a good day. But… that day is many days away so I do my best to keep this side of the coin face down for the time being… easier said than done (as you can imagine).
From their perspective… it is a whirlwind of emotion. I watch them vacillate from “child on Christmas morning” elation to absolute neurotic panic from moment to moment. They all seem to essentially be on the same emotional roller coaster of being absolutely thrilled that they are done… that they can move on to the next step of their journey… whether that be half way house or home… but quickly followed by the stressors and pressures of real life smacking them in the face. “Where am I going to work? I need a local address in order to go to the half way house… what address can I use? I need a driver license… how do I go about getting one? I don’t want to fall back into my old lifestyle but I don’t know anything else… where do I even begin??” These questions and concerns continue and they are valid and understandable… spending years of their lives in an environment that is incredibly controlled (for better and for worse) and then one day… no different than the many days prior… they are no longer behind these walls and are now plunged back into the real world and expected to essentially “plug and play” into the life of a working, responsible, law abiding citizen. It can be intimidating. But at the end of the day… it is the goal for all of us and speaking for myself personally…. I cannot F’ing wait!
I am endlessly surprised in here by the fact that it feels that with every week (and especially month) that passes…. I am experiencing…learning… witnessing… realizing… analyzing something new and unique. I guess that is just life… if you really think about it. And I guess the sad part is that prior to this past year… I don’t think I was actually living… I was existing but I surely wasn’t fully living and experiencing… I will never allow myself to go back to that place. And that realization in itself… is a win… small victories 😉
I am unbelievably happy for the guys that will no longer call T.I. home within the coming days “and a wake up”… I can’t wait to join you on the other side.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Go Make Someone Smile.