I want to share something special this week. Every night for the past 5+ months, I have walked the track with a guy in here that I would genuinely call a friend (I know this goes against rule #1 of T.I. but sometimes you gotta bend the rules a bit). We have talked about life… the hidden gems and hardships… the relationships… the kids… the families… the mistakes and the triumphs. We have had countless laughs and quality time together that has temporarily made me forget about the barbed wire that separates us from the ocean. I am very grateful that I met him and believe that I have become a better version of myself through our shared “track therapy” and friendship.
He has been incarcerated just over 20 years and 6 months of his 42 years on this earth… and he is scheduled to be released sometime mid-late next year. This past week… he shared something that he wrote for a substance abuse and mental health program that he is mentor in with me. His outlook on life… his resilience… his dedication to his family (specifically his daughter) and his steadfast determination to be the man that he knows he is when he walks out of these doors is unbelievably inspiring. Above and beyond the fact that he is an absolutely INCREDIBLE artist… he embodies the ideology of perseverance and stands tall… owning his mistakes but fully knowing that they do not define him… they are scars but those scars are simply reminders of what was… not what is or what will be. He is an example of someone who the system did not break… as hard as it may have tried… he is going to come out the other side of this journey a better man… a better Dad… a better partner… a better son… and I am so proud to call him a friend.
He agreed to allow me to share his writing with you… some of which you may recognize… as he was inspired by some of my writing… an honor in itself…
“Looking at my record, I understand that people may think I fit a category of people who do not deserve any more opportunities. I have been given many chances and obviously blown them. No doubt you will wonder what is the difference this time… well this time my past stupidity caused me to experience something unique…a unique feeling which should have already occurred but did not until now. I am referring to the dread that I have experienced unlike never before and it is primarily due to the realization that my daughter is now old enough for me to have missed so much of her life. Occasions like high school graduations amongst many others that I can never make up for…
That in itself is a punishment that will make any parent want to change… not to mention the fact that I can, in no way sugar coat anything with her. There are moments when I am laying on my bunk and I close my eyes and vividly picture my family and I barbequing in my backyard, running around having water balloon fights. And then I open my eyes and I’m in prison. I am not with them. And honestly, the reality is… I was only partially with them in the backyard that day as well.
I desperately wanted to be present… in that moment… in every moment, but the world that I created and the mental warfare that I was waging on myself prevented me from it…
When I reached the ripple effect exercise of this journal… I realized that my actions have had far too many victims in my family and others. And I can’t even begin to explain how awful I feel for letting them down and the damage that I may have caused them. I can only thank god that they have found it in them to forgive me.
In some regards, I am thankful for the pain that I feel today. For the longing to be with my family. For the insatiable thirst for my “normal” life back with them in my arms and by my side. I am thankful because these painful realities remind me of my job while I am away. They remind of my purpose and debt to them… that I must spend every waking moment bettering myself through personal growth and positive action. Through internal discovery and service to others. The anguish forces me to remember and be cautious of my actions, my thoughts, and decisions… It reinforces my desire to be the Dad and man I have always known that I am, but that my actions did not always reflect… I now have the determination and self esteem to accomplish my goals. And most importantly, I am at peace with myself, and can accept who I am.
The past, is just that, the past…
There is absolutely nothing that I can do to change that, but I can do everything toward making tomorrow and the rest of my life what I have always dreamed it could be for me and my family.
I want to go back to school, and enroll in a graphic design class and continue to excel in my art skills. I hope that one day I can open up an art gallery or even give art lessons to children… anything I can do to help give back to my community would be an honor. I want to build on these opportunities to do more and leave my mark on the world through my accomplishments.
I realize the outcome of my future is strictly up to me. No prison sentence, no book, no lecture or seminar can do anything toward altering the way that I live, unless I’m determined to do so. The choice is mine, and mine alone. I am determined to put in the time, effort, hard work, sacrifice and dedication. During this incarceration, I have completed substance abuse, mental health, anger management, parenting, breaking barriers, GED, VT classes and many other very helpful courses for which I have received certificates. More importantly, these classes have helped me identify problems in my behavior and how to deal with them without turning to drugs. I don’t want to live the rest of my life behind bars. I want to be a productive member of society. I want to live a clean and sober life and more importantly, I want to build a strong relationship with my family… As I have spent way too many years away from them.
All I can do is maintain my vow that from this day forward I will never give up, and give everything my absolute all. As an adult I expect nothing less from myself. When my time comes, I would like to know that I have paid my debt to those who have made a positive impact on my life. And to be at peace knowing that I stopped this cancer from spreading to those that I love.
Thank you giving me this opportunity to grow.”
Stay Healthy. Stay Active.
Never stop looking for ways to better yourself and grow… we are all students and the more we better ourselves… the better this world will be for our children and theirs…