Well… the cat is out the bag. Some of the guys in my unit found out that I had acted in movies prior to getting here and all hell has broken loose in F Unit. I have acquired the new nickname ‘Superstar’… I am asked at least 10 times a day if I have met (fill in the blank) celebrity and currently taking resumes for guys to start working in “Hollywood” once they are released. And I thought with no internet access in prison…my little outside “identity” would safely stay outside these walls… very wrong in that regard.
While most aspects are just fun and games (and kind of cool at times)… one guy has been very interested in the “craft” of acting and asked me straight up, “do you know how to act?”. At the time, I laughed and said, “well, you’ll have to watch one of the movies that I’ve done when you get out and write me a letter to let me know what you think.” But I started thinking about the question deeper as the day went on…
Do I know how to act? You mean to perform actions in order to elicit joy and passion from those around me? You mean to warp my perceptions of myself as a means to hide myself? You mean to believe deeply in stories that don’t exist, that never existed, that probably never could exist? You mean to play the role of who everyone around me wants me to be, rather than who I actually am? In this regard… yes, I certainly can act. But this ability, the ability to “act” when there is no camera pointed at me, stems from deep insecurities within myself that have caused real personality defects that I am currently working on and will always be working on (in some capacity) for the rest of my life.
These insecurities caused me (at some point in my childhood) to develop a new identity that overshadowed and hid the real me. This new identity was the pleaser, the one that had to smile no matter how I was actually feeling…sometimes doing things that I didn’t want to do just to keep the peace. I wasn’t allowed to be in a bad mood or have a bad day. I hated conflict, so much so that I would even lie to avoid it. I did everything, for everyone… period. I was jovial, talented, smart, generous… I needed EVERYONE to like me. I was so good, so nice and resourceful… no one had to worry. I will take care of your every need.
I think I created this version of myself as my strategic childhood persona. If I was nice enough, sweet enough, harmless enough, fun enough… then I wouldn’t be hurt. My mom would be happy and safe. My friends would want to keep me around. No one would ever leave me.
I wanted to be approved of… it’s the only safety that I could conceive. As an adult, with my growing and constantly practiced new perspective that allows me to honestly look back at myself over the last 10+ years, I used this identity as my armor and my shield. I was strangling my truth in the hopes of feeling safe, gaining approval, and ultimately… being loved.
By strangling this truth, by acting, I forgot to ask myself and find the answers to crucial questions. Who am I… really? What does my heart truly want? What are my values and authentic goals? The problem, among many, with this new identity is that I was never free to make a pure decision, one that is honest and true to me. I was always forced to compromise and to do the things that gets the most approval or superficial “likes”. My creativity and authenticity was thwarted by my need for approval. And because of all this acting… today I am still faced with the questions… What are my feelings… my opinions… my needs… my ideas…
Only today, I am absolutely steadfast and hellbent on silencing this pleaser forever… putting the “acting” behind me and allowing ZACH to answer these questions… honestly… for maybe the first time in my entire life.
Insightful and amazing!