Father’s Day weekend. Man… Father’s Day weekend behind these gates is a unique experience to say the least. As I woke up this morning…. I laid on my rack and thought about my boys. I thought about how incredibly bad I wanted to be with them… for our reality not to be reality and I would be getting out of bed and heading to make a big breakfast with them this morning. But… that is not the case. I then thought about the fact that this is the fourth Father’s Day that I am behind these walls and they are out there and how that feels like a lot of Father’s Days. I mean… I know how long I have been in here but that ‘4’ just puts an emphasis on it that surprised me. And I also noticed a shift this year that I do not think I fully processed or felt as deeply in years past…
I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness and guilt for them this year. Not one thought or ounce of emotion is related to “me not being with them”… it is about those two beautiful boys not having a Dad physically present for them to be able to celebrate. I keep imagining them waking up and wanting to be with me… wanting to go to or make a special breakfast and plan a special day… give me the absolutely incredible drawing that they drew and watch me tear up marveling in it’s mastery. Them feeling my hug and kiss on their forehead and hearing me tell them that I love them and how lucky I am to be their Dad. They deserve these things. And my decisions… my actions stripped them of this right. And… f*ck… it breaks my heart.
But I pull myself together to do the one thing that I am able to do… call them to hear their voices for those 15 minutes. To do everything in my power to convey my feelings… my desire to be with them… my remorse that I am not and my gratitude for that picture that they drew and I received a copy of in the mail… because… that is our reality. “Hi Daddy! Happy Father’s Day! Did you get my drawing?”…. Tears…. uncontrollable tears. “Thank you buddy. Yes I did…”. We go on to have a wonderful conversation… they tell me that their Mom is taking them to play with dogs this afternoon… their Uncle took them to a special breakfast this morning… they ask if the officers told me Happy Father’s Day and hoped that they did. Just so unbelievably overwhelmed with emotions but most of all… gratitude. I am so grateful for those two magical human beings that I get to have as my sons… I am so grateful for their Mom for being Mom and Dad because I am here and not there… I am grateful for their Grandparents and their Aunts and Uncles and their friends. I am grateful that they have the brightest spirits and genuinely purest souls which is a reflection of the love that they are showed day in and day out. I am just so grateful.
The 15 minutes went by in a flash and as the phone cut off and I hung up… I stood there and tried to compose myself a bit before I turned around to walk back to my room. As I started to walk out of the lobby… the shift change was taking place so the overnight officer was leaving and the day time officer was arriving… “Happy Father’s Day Horwitz” they both say to me. It was as if my boys had willed it into existence… as if they sent some sort of magical kid energy across the country to me at the exact moment that I needed it… to just let me know that the phone may cut us off but we are as together as we can be given the circumstances. I smiled… said Thank you… and walked back to my room.
It’s not easy guys. It isn’t going to be easy. But if we continue to show up… we continue to call… we continue to support… say the ‘I love you’s’… be as present as we can possibly be for them while we are in here… until we are out there… I believe we will all make it through this thing. And that June will come… that wonderfully blissful June Day will come… that we will wake up on Father’s Day and we will be there… with them. And for me… I will finally be able to do the one thing… the only thing that I want to do… be their Dad. And when that day comes I will look back on these counted Father’s Days… and know… without a doubt… that I will never have to count a Father’s Day again… and more importantly… they will never have to wake up on Father’s Day without their Dad being there… with them… for all the days to come.
Happy Father’s Day to the Dads. To the Mom’s putting on the Dad hat. And most of all… to the kids… you make life worth living for us Dads. So… Thank You.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Stay Grateful and Hopeful.
I love You Boys.