I have been thinking about a word that would describe how this past week started and I keep coming back to… powerful. It was impactful… it was reflective… it was emotional… it was hopeful… it was a day that feels as though all the days to follow are now altered ever so slightly. It was unassumingly powerful and I’m kind of pumped about it…
I looked at the call out sheet on Sunday afternoon to see if I had any ‘appointments’ on Monday and noticed it next to my name on the 3rd page…. “A UNIT DAP 1330”. My heart… surprisingly to me… fluttered a bit as I read it. Like when you have been waiting to receive a college acceptance letter in the mail for months and eventually you stop thinking about it. Then… one day… you walk out to the mailbox and reach your hand in there like you do every other day but today… when you pull the mail out… there it is. You see the name of the college on the return address label. Your body feels it before your brain can fully process. I have been thinking about RDAP… the residential drug and alcohol program since I was out on bond prior to being sentenced. It is well known in the federal system that prior to the First Step Act…. the only… and I mean only… way to reduce your sentence was to successfully complete this program so I was on it from the jump. When I first arrived at T.I… I was one of those eager beaver type of dudes that started asking everyone on Day 1… “Who do I need to talk to in order to get into RDAP immediately?”… “When can I start RDAP?”… “Do I need to apply for the program or will they call me?”. These were always met with that knowing smile and quiet chuckle… the same I give guys today… because we all know the feeling… and then followed up with… “Just chill homeboy… they will call you when your time comes… there is nothing you can do to force it. They don’t want you to take the program until you are closer to the door.” Which I thought at the time was just them not understanding how serious I was about doing everything that I could possibly do IMMEDIATELY to lower my sentence length and get back to my boys. I was still in that… “I am in control” mindset… not understanding the process just yet. Fast forward to Sunday… finally seeing that coveted line next to my name… indicating that my RDAP interview would be Monday at 1:30pm. I got the call. It is now my time.
In addition to this flood of emotion and anticipation… I also knew that I had a visit with one of the real “homeboys” on Monday as well. It was going to be a big day for me over here. I woke up early… got a quick work out in to get some of the energy out and got ready for my visit. The visit was such a breath of fresh air. Every time I get to visit with one of the real ones out there… I am always smacked in the face by the juxtaposition between an actual friend and the locked up locked in ones that I am around all day every day in here. There is something about being able to spend time with someone from your real world that actually knows you… that has experienced life with you… that knows my boys… knows my life in a way that absolutely no one in here could ever know. It was a much needed “reset” and ridiculously appreciated. I left the visit feeling clear minded and ready to tackle this RDAP interview head on with whatever it may entail.
I walk over to A Unit… which is the unit that I will be living in once I join the program for the interview and shot upstairs to meet with one of the doctors that run the program. What I did not anticipate was how emotionally draining just the interview for the program was going to be… made me realize what I am getting myself into once the program itself begins. The interview was essentially an initial therapy session. We discussed my past… we talked about my behavior prior to walking through these gates as it relates to drugs and alcohol… we talked about my family… we talked about life when my identity started with my name… not my number. I was forced to rewind in a way that I have not done in years and it was cathartic but simultaneously exhausting. I was an absolute and utter mess for so many years prior to my incaceration. And being able to examine that mess of a life from the vantage point that I find myself in today is such an eye opening experience. And one that I honestly feel extremely grateful for because not everyone has the opportunity to unpack their past in order to safe guard their future. The interview lasted a little over an hour and we finished with the doc telling me… “Alright well… you definitely qualify for the program so I will talk to the rest of the team and we will be putting a list of names out in the next couple weeks to let you know if you will be joining this next class or the one later this summer.” “Sounds good… thanks Doc”… I say and head out the door to resume my “old prison life” because there is no doubt in my mind that from the moment I move into this unit… my life as I know it is about to change.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the program since I left that Unit on Monday. I am excited for this next chapter. I feel mentally and emotionally invigorated to take on the challenge of self discovery and self improvement that lies ahead. I am ready for the inevitable top to bottom life change that will ensue. I am bit anxious but more curious and hopeful as I mentally run through all of the hills and valleys on the horizon. But until I’m hiking that terrain in real time… all I can do is wait for that list… like a high school kid waiting for the roster to be posted to see if I made the team…. only time will tell.
Until then…
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Stay Open to Change…
It is the only thing that’s certain in this life and as I have said… it’s where the growth lives.