Milestone week this past week. My youngest little (quickly getting not so little) guy turned 5 on Wednesday. The boys birthday weeks are always such a mixed bag of emotions for me in here. I find myself thinking about their birthday… having dreams about it at night… for weeks leading up to the actual event. There is the excitement for them because I know how much they love their special day… the presents… the cake… the celebration of it all. But then there is this crazy anxiety that creeps up behind the joy that I can’t seem to shake. I have tried to pin point exactly what it is over the years and while I really don’t have a definitive answer… I do believe it stems from the same thing that much of my anxiety in here stems from. Me having this overwhelming need for the boys to know that I am thinking about them… know that I love them… know that I wish I was with them and never for one second have a feeling of abandonment as it relates to my presence (or lack there of in the physical form) in their life.
On top of this… I believe another wave of anxiety comes crashing down related to the lack of control that I have over expressing any of the above to them. My only avenue is that 15 minute phone call… so the gravity of that coveted call builds and builds as the day approaches. Creshendoeing into an explosion of emotion when I make the call and she answers on the first try (I cannot even begin to express the gratitude I feel when that happens… as it did this year… incredibly appreciated) and I am able to hear the birthday boy’s joyous voice and his brother in the background. The moment that I am on that phone call… that sliver of time that I have been thinking about for the past month… every ounce of anxiety melts away. I get off the phone… reprimanding myself for allowing my emotions to take control of my life and vowing to manage them on the next birthday later this year… only to know in the back of my head that it is an empty scolding because I??ll be just as anxious come September. What a whirlwind of emotion and viscous self-perpetuated cycle that I have created for myself but lets focus on what matters… my big 5 year old!
It really is incredible how strong of a bond us humans can form without even seeing each other for such a long period of time. I have not seen my boys in person in over 3 years… that is mind blowing to wrap my head around. And as insane as that is for me… I think it is even more impactful for them due to the large percentage of their lives’ that this time encompasses. My youngest was a month away from turning 2 when I entered these gates… now we celebrate his 5th birthday. And logically… you would think that this would make it damn near impossible for us to have a genuine bond but we are connected in such a uniquely beautiful and powerful way. Now I must state that without the connective tissue of my tribe out there… this bond would be much more difficult to maintain… I am unbelievably and forever grateful for the superhero in our lives. And because of this connective tissue determined to not only maintain but strengthen the bond between my boys and myself… I know my little dude intimately…
From his “Daddy… Can I tell you something?” on our phone calls… to his love for dinos and racecars and ninjas and The Detroit Lions and Pokemon and Soccer and Uno. The way that he puts his feet up behind his body on the motorcycle arcade game that he plays with Grandma that makes me smile ear to ear every time I see it. The way I see him look up at his brother in pictures like he is the greatest human on the planet. The spirit that so intensely and brightly emanates out of his soul that you feel as though you may be able to reach out and grab some for yourself. The way that when asked, “Do you feel 5 years old today bud?” He replies… “Yes. And Daddy… it feel SO good”. I just love everything about him. He is curious… he is rambunctious and equally gentle… he is funny and silly… he is strong… he is smart… he is athletic… he is loving… he is my son and I am absurdly lucky to be able to say that.
I love him and his brother more than any written word could ever begin to convey and I know I say it every year (and will continue until the “waiting” is over)…. but I cannot wait until the day that I am able to physically celebrate his special day with him once again.
Happy 5th Birthday Buddy… I am beyond proud of the boy that you are… I am beyond grateful that I am able to call you my Son and I love you to the moon and back a trillion times over.
Stay Healthy. Stay Active. Cherish every single moment with them out there.